Family, family, family. The family is one of the greatest blessings given to humanity, if Allah didn’t want to give this gift He wouldn’t have. When Allah told the angels that humans will be created, he used the word Khalifa which is often mistaken for meaning vice-regent, but its technical definition means a generation that will keep on replicating, the regeneration of families, because the angels don’t have to have these, the angels don’t have families they don’t marry other angels and have children. The same angel that was created millions of years ago is the same angel that will exist till the end of times. But humans recreate a generation that regrows and looks after each other we are created differently from the angels. We are a nation of families, we are species that Allah has created in a different manner to angels, that why Allah mentions the word Khalifah. The talk today is short and significant about raising children in the west, I’m going to share some benefits that I have myself learnt and acquired from the experience I have. I have 4 kids and three are teenagers so I want to share with you 7 rules from my own reading and research. Anything good I share is from Allah(SWT) and anything else is from Shaytaan and me.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Opinions on Marriage
- Marriage will make me a better Muslim
- Marriage will protect me from falling into fitnah and haram
- Marriage will make me live happily ever after
- In marriage, you cannot hate the person you love
○ One of the strangest things about love: the person you love the most…it’s a fine line between despicable hate and love
○ genuine love can transform into hate bc you’re investing so much love in that person
○ healthiest marriages: achieve equilibrium between love and hate knowing it’s okay to hate things the person does
- Marriage will heal all my past wounds
- Marriage is a piece of cake if you marry the right person
- Marriage benefits men more than women
- Love is enough to sustain a marriage
○ The economy is rough LOL – when the economy is rough, divorce skyrockets
○ Prophet (SAW) – One of the things we look for in marriage is “Malihah”, her wealth
- Religious practising Muslims have a perfect marriage FALSE
- Marriage is a natural process that you can figure out on your own FALSE
○ requires thought, DETERMINATION
○ Prophet (SAW) to Jabir (RA), a man who told him got engaged: “did you look into her eyes” – meaning did you find love in her eyes? Did you spend enough time looking into her eyes to know she’s the one? Marriage isn’t something you just come by!
○ 1. Optional love:
You lead yourself to love and you fall deeper in love. It can grow if you allow it to grow; you need to take concrete steps, not just sit back and wait.
■ eg: your love for your spouse gets deeper as the relationship progresses
■ there are things you didn’t know that you love today, and things you loved then that you love in a different way now
■ We live today in an era with a lot of “popcorn love” → it’s not how I met your mother; it’s how many people met your mother
● The types of love that we are fed is a vain type of imagery and people make millions off of it – it’s AN INDUSTRY
● eg: Adele’s Someone Like You – national anthem of a home wrecker. This is the kind of woman you want to keep away from your husband. — THAT’S WHAT’S PUT OUT THERE AS A LOVE SONG… but it’s actually the love of desire
● We raise a generation of people that think that a booty call is acceptable, that someone can ring her up at 9pm.
“Beautified for people is the love of that which they desire- of women and sons, heaped-up sums of gold and silver, fine branded horses, and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life, but Allah has with Him the best return.”
■ “Beautified for people is the love they desire…”
● what they love is what they want to do with the person for a certain amount of time
● the guy/girl that compromises your relationship FSA, they don’t love you – they love, the desire (difference b/w love and love of desire): عشق andحب
Imam Ibnul Qayyim RH differentiates between ■ a was عشق whilst love noble and pure was حب says
He ● has forbidden, beyond the limits type of love. قشع is when someone goes to haram measures to be with the one they love outward same, set Allah boundaries the cross you – عشق ● characteristics as love
○ Anything you do in the name of love through sin/ compromising Allah’s boundaries is NOT love. Anything you do would you where love flaming that is عشق ○ for that person, that anything is what puts you in trouble
عشق as someone to love your explaining avoid to Try ○
○ If someone is willing to compromise their relationship with Allah swt, then nothing is stopping them from compromising you to have you why is that→ حب from your prevents عشق ○ heal and purify your soul from the love of desire
● The difference is simple, Allah loves when you love, بح , Allah loves that, but when you are upsetting Allah, that is قشع
● love is conciliatory, it’s being able to talk about the difficult things – “I didn’t like the way you said that”
○ you’re a tree that’s planted deep, not just fluff- you know the person is there to stay
○ 2. Non-Optional love
■ we’re asked to guard our gaze against the Haraam because we can fall for the unattainable
■ That love is not Haram, but acting upon it in Haram means is! The Sight/Eyes
● Hijab is not about the beauty of the women
○ if it WAS that, prophet Yusuf would need a hijab Lolz.(women cut their hands upon seeing him)
○ Yusuf, when they saw him they would “Akbar”, say Allahu Akbar, and they would cut their hands → if it was about beauty, then Allah would have put a niqab on him
○ that wasn’t the logical step
○ Cultural construct: Khateeb says something like “summer’s here bros, be careful” → cage them before they POUNCE 😛 → THIS IS A PERVERSION
■ sexuality and nudity was much more rampant at the time of Prophet (SAW)
■ At that time, if a woman was owned, a woman would be forbidden from covering above the navel… that is how pervasive nudity was
■ Paternity was so loose, that when someone was married they were married to the tribe, anyone from the tribe would lay claim to her
○ That is why we are told to guard our eyes → it is your duty as a man to run away from the Haram, it is inexcusable to say “I couldn’t help it”; it was much worse in other places
○ It is a sexist thing we have in our community is that we lower the standard of men; that is not Islamic
● One of the issues in marriage is a man who cannot guard his eyes – it is not embarrassing just for the women, it is embarrassing for him in front of Allah SWT.
● the sight is the quickest access to the soul/heart
○ Prophet (SAW) – that’s why you close the eyes of the deceased
○ Prophet (SAW) – The sinful glance is a sinful arrow of Iblis that strikes the heart
○ The eye is the easiest gate to the heart
○ There is no sinfulness in a man looking at a woman for identifying them, or doing something professional; the only problem is the fitnah in the heart
■ If you appreciate a person as a sexual being, then that is when you turn away
○ Prophet (ﷺ) telling Ali (RA) – the first look is for you. But if you return your gaze for a sinful reason (ie to “check them out”) then it’s sinful.
Narrated `Abdullah bin `Abbas RA: Al-Fadl RA (his brother) was riding behind Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) and a woman from the tribe of Khath’am came and Al-Fadl RA started looking at her and she started looking at him. The Prophet (ﷺ) turned Al-Fadl’s RA face to the other side. The woman said, “O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)! The obligation of Hajj enjoined by Allah on His devotees has become due on my father and he is old and weak, and he cannot sit firm on the Mount; may I perform Hajj on his behalf?” The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, “Yes, you may.” That happened during the Hajj-al-Wida (of the Prophet (ﷺ).
Sitting behind the Prophet (ﷺ)
○ Ibn Abbas RA said, “a woman of spectacular beauty came up to Prophet (SAW)”
○ Ibn Abbas RA noticed the beauty and restrained himself so Prophet (SAW) didn’t turn his face
○ However Al Fadl RA was, so he turned his face for him
● During the time of the Prophet SAW, segregation was not a rule,
○ Prophet (SAW) stood on a pulpit at a woman’s request – so she could see him during khutbas
○ the same pulpit is going to be beside Al-Kauthar on the Day of Judgement
**SIDE NOTE** We will all pass through the sirat through Jahanam, each at different paces (based on your answer regarding your relationship with Allah)
● When we walk through we will say “Praise be to Allah who saved me from your torture”
● Then you will walk through the qantara ( a bridge), and that is when you will have to make the recompense for the wrong you have done to others
● Those that will have most against us are those that we have spent most time with..it’s there you’ll find your wife, kids…
● not an easy journey to set balance straight with others Pornography
● one of the most proliferated vices
● technology is driven by this proliferation
● around the time of VHS, Sony tried to patent “Beta”
○ Sony was owned and operated out of Japan
○ Japan = very ethical
○ Pornography industry wanted to use Sony for filming…
○ execs said no thanks
○ VHS said “okay let’s do it!”
○ Sony developed Blu-Ray gave access to porn industry to
○ → the web applications you and I use are primarily driven by companies that want you to watch their porn
● sociologists say it’s impossible to escape your teen years without exposure to some kind of pornography
● Addicting – Mind has these synapses, you watch something and you want it more
● BUT luckily your brain has this “use it or lose it” function – if you stop watching this kind of stuff
Story of Mughith RA and Bareerah RA
Bareerah RA was a female slave and A’ishah RA was interested in buying her. She was married to Mughith, and Ai’shah freed her (they were married in slavery); a free woman cannot marry a slave man, so after she became free, she had the choice to keep this marriage or to ask for the dissolution of the marriage. She said, “Alhamdulillah, I’m tired of this marriage, I’m going to get out.” Mugheeth loved her so much, sincerely and
honestly. After she left him, he couldn’t take it, so he went into public weeping, chasing
her, asking her “Ya Bareerah just look at me or talk to me.” He went to sahabah and said,
“Please talk to her for me (to Abu Bakr and Umar and at the end, even to the Prophet (ﷺ) to ask him to intercede. So Prophet (ﷺ), (as the mercy for mankind) felt sorry for him, and he said he’d do it. When he went to Bareerah, she asked, “Are you commanding me or are you just interceding?” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “I’m interceding.” She replied, “If this is the case, then I don’t want him”, and since all else failed, he spent his life chasing after her and crying for her. “The husband of Bareerah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him now, walking behind her and weeping, with tears running down his cheeks. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to ‘Abbas RA: ‘O Abbas RA, are you not amazed by the love of Mugheeth for Bareerah, and the hatred of Bareerah for Mughith?’
And the Prophet (ﷺ) said to her: Why don’t you take him back, for he is the father of your child?’ She said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?’ He said: ‘No, rather I am interceding.’ She said: ‘I have no need of him.’ ”
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
Two Major Theories on Love (according to marriage therapists)
- Bank Account Theory
● When a relationship develops, it is like you opened a bank account with them
● You deposit feelings and actions and emotions and you expect a reciprocation or “debit”
● It makes people feel like the person is drawing more than they are credited.
● ihdina siraat al mustaqeem
○ istiqamah – balance. So that if it shakes, you don’t fall over.
○ You don’t take out more than what’s in the bank 2. Gas Tank Theory
● most brothers don’t mind coasting with the yellow light on
○ in counselling: I didn’t know anything was wrong
● sisters – don’t wait till the breaking point
○ in counselling: I was giving him so many yellow lights
● we think about the same problems in different ways
A Husband’s Guide to Ruining a Good Marriage
- Show thankfulness to everyone for kindness to show you except your wife. Let your wife see you CAPABLE of saying thanks to others, but INCAPABLE of showing gratitude to the person who shares your life.
- Mention your wife’s faults. Keep them on file. Use the mistakes she’s made to cover your own stupidity.
- Randomly/unnecessarily spend time out of the house, for no reason…and when she calls you, don’t answer.
- Be connected to all your social media/devices simultaneously and ask her to make you a sandwich. Do all of that while the kids are up and she gets aggravated.
- Monitor her level of attire and conduct…all while watching mature content on TV (not just porn…just TV shows of people dressed inappropriately).
- Say things like “kids…what kids? Am I responsible for them?” Be that absent father
- Argue and fight in front of your kids because your kids need memories, those loving moments of tenderness.
- Say things like, “I forbid you” and “you’re not allowed” and “I command you” (because she’s 2 years old and you can’t have a conversation while sharing each other’s view).
- Strike, push, shove your wife – and then feel bad and say, “I’m sorry, but you’re the one who ____” as if it’s her fault as if there was anything that warranted your hostility.
- Spend a lot of your disposable income on luxury items…but refuse to pay AlMaghrib course costs because Islam should be for free.
- Put down your wife’s cooking, attire, shape, clothes…in front of your family and say “I’m just joking!”
- When you walk beside her in public, don’t lower your gaze. Instead, sleazily check out other women. Because that’s classy.
- Be insensitive, quiet, withdrawn, sarcastic all day…and at night expect intimacy
- Motivate her by comparing her to your own sisters, friend’s wives, etc …And keep her at the bottom of the list
- Never reconsider a decision you made after she advises you she’s wrong because she will never respect you thereafter so she should never win those arguments.
- Show how close you’ve come together by sharing your vulgar sounds and smells at random moments of the day and night.
A Wife’s Guide to Ruining a Good Marriage
- Forget that hijab begins within as an attitude and not just fabric. Act/talk in weird ways. Forget that hijab is not in the clothes that you wear but the attitude that you have.
- Tell your friends near and far about your family problems in detail and tell them “shh don’t tell anyone” because of course, they’ll keep it.
- Nagging is an art. You must perfect it. The more you repeat yourself, the better he will understand you
- When your husband is tense, stressed and had a bad day…push his button. You know the button.
- Your Motto: Treat them mean, so they’ll be keen. If you soften and they see it as a weakness, they’ll walk all over you
- When you’re upset with each other privately, make sure you let the kids know how horrible he is.
- RUIN – Intimacy is a weapon. Randomly/ for no apparent reason, restrict it, just to teach him a lesson.
- When your friends get a new TV, you get a Smart TV. When they get bling, you get bling bling. Keep up with the Patels.
- If your husband is having troubles with his parents/siblings, stick your nose in it. Everyone will love you later. a. if he asks for your advice…say you love them at least neutral/distant
- Get your father and mother to talk to him about problems you have with him that you never shared with him…surprise!
- The silent treatment IS communication. There’s nothing wrong with keeping him guessing.
- If your husband succeeds in something, don’t encourage him…you don’t want him to think he’s special but if he makes a mistake, bury him.
- Argue in front of your children. In fact, use vulgarity in front of your kids in front of each other.
- Say things like, “I don’t trust you”, “why are you late”, “where are you going” – without cause for suspicion…because no man can be trusted.
- TV-ing is a verb. Always have the TV on. It’s a good babysitter and it passes the time. Always let it be part of your home life.
- When you feel that spark of love is missing, by recalling past loves and make him feel that your thoughts are still with them
Love in the Sunnah pg 81
→ He didn’t just marry to help people, or just for sexual appetite.
→ Sometimes people asked him to marry them and he wasn’t interested, some of the prophet’s wives weren’t “sexually available” so that’s not why he married them
- When you eat, eat with her
○ it’s kind of a vulgar translation to say, “when you eat, feed with her”
○ Prophet (SAW) never ate from a plate alone
○ That’s why you can give even half a date
○ Way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
○ There’s comfort/barakah in food
○ Prophet (SAW) – make sure the people who have open access to your food (because of frankness) are people of piety
- When you buy yourself something, buy her something as well
○ it’s not about what you buy her – it’s about when you think about yourself, you think about your spouse
○ People wouldn’t gift the prophet without gifting Aisha (RA) a gift – other wives were jealous sometimes
- Seek her counsel
○ When Prophet (ﷺ) said “she obeyed her husband” – it’s qualitative. There’s no obedience to anyone unless there’s obedience to Allah
○ Day of Hudaibiyya – rumour spreads that Uthman has been killed. so they make a treaty under a tree to avenge his death…but it was a false alarm
○ …Prophet (SAW) took counsel with Umm Salamah
- Seat her where you sit=
○ sit together
○ Prophet (ﷺ) would have a cushion and when his wife/daughter would come in, he’d give it to her
- What you ask of her, be willing to give her
○ Surat Al Baqarah
○ Abdullah Ibn Abbas, one of the greatest mufassiroon, would get ready (clothes, smelling, looking nice) to go into his home – his students would be like why are you getting ready to go into your house instead of getting ready upon leaving
■ lahunna….(for her what u expect of her?)
- Say “I love you” often and show it through your consistent behaviour – Who do you love the most?
○ “don’t tell me you love me…why…because my parents”
○ ‘Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) would often seek reassurance from The Prophet (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) that he loved her. “How is your love for me?” she once asked. “Like the rope’s knot,” The more you pull at it and stress it, the stronger it gets. Many times after that she would ask, “How is the knot?” and he would reply:” “The same as the first day it was tied!”
○ Prophet (SAW) had sweat on his brow and…Aisha related it to the poetry about the blessed nature of his sweat… being like the pearls in the ocean. Prophet (SAW) came over, kissed her forehead and said “you’re more beloved to me than all of them” ♥
○ Ali RA came home and saw Fatimah brushing her teeth with miswak and he started spouting poetry to the toothbrush “no one got to that place before me like you, if you were a man I would have killed you, etc.”
○ Three qualities of being a MAN in Arabic folklore
■ courageous in battle
■ eloquent in words
■ passionate about family
- Be generous with your money on her and your children
○ spend on your family
○ Prophet (ﷺ) – charity with the greatest barakah is the money spent on the family
■ lan tanalul birr
■ Abu Talha upon the revelation of the verse said “I have these two gardens”…Prophet (SAW) said no, distribute it among your fam 8. Travel together
○ Prophet (SAW) always took along a wife on his travels.
○ There were 2 instances when Aisha (RA) lost her necklace.
○ Tayammum was a result of Aisha (RA) losing her necklace in a place with no water, and they spent so much time looking for it that they had to stay till morning, and everyone was upset because they couldn’t do wudhu, so Allah SWT sent the ayat regarding tayammum○ Everyone has heard of the hadith regarding Aisha and Prophet SAW racing, but it wasn’t an olympic style race…Shaykh Yahya would say that “they romantically frolicked through the sand dunes of Arabia”
- Let her feel your concern for her well-being
○ Safiyyah comes to masjid where Prophet (SAW) is doing i’tikaf to talk to Prophet (SAW)…and he left the i’tikaf to walk her home
- Show chivalry (mar’oo-a)
○ one of the things we don’t demonstrate enough – you do the best of what is right) – sense of honour that you’re the server (open door, serve food
○ Prophet (SAW) the server should always be the last to eat
○ Safiyyah RA – wanted to get on top of a camel but she was too short…so the Prophet (SAW) got the camel to come down but she still couldn’t reach. So he gets down on a knee and she steps on top of it to get on the camel
- Be flexible & Humorous
○ Aisha (RA) was younger – not much experience in housework, cooking.
○ Aisha (RA) once cooked something and presented it to Prophet (SAW)
○ When Prophet (SAW) didn’t like a dish, he never said no to it but suggested an alternative.
○ Prophet (SAW) suggested going over to Sawdah’s house
■ When Sawdah came out with the meal, Aisha (RA) was jealous so she smacked down the plate, it fell and broke.
■ Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Why don’t you try it, maybe you’ll like it?” – diffuses the situation, doesn’t call her out on her jealousy
○ Then when he got home, he said: “You liked her food, so why don’t you send her a plate of your food?” – This way, he subtly got Aisha to replace the dish she broke.
- Kissable & Hygienic
○ Prophet (ﷺ) was very affectionate
○ Prophet (ﷺ) would kiss his wives before leading prayer – but he had the strength of a 1000 men – it was to make them feel loved, out of intimacy, not sexually
○ Prophet (ﷺ) had nicknames for his wives, he would call Aisha “Ya Eish” – that it is through her that he gets “Eish” (life)
- Closer than your garment
○ hadith about bathing from a bowl with dough residue in it
○ allowance to bathe with the spouse
○ Ibn Hajar RH derives a lot of fiqh from it
- Intimacy not just sexually
○ Aisha (RA) – Prophet (SAW) knew that I liked to touch his skin so he’d remove his shirt so my skin could be on his
- Allah is first
○ “When it was time for prayer, it was like he didn’t know us”
- Time away – 1 month can be 29 days.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
There is no doubt marriage is becoming harder for some people. And when you go to see a potential partner you may struggle to ask the right questions. Here is a list someone sent me:
(Pick and choose the right questions, obviously you are not going to ask all the questions)
1. What is your concept of marriage?
2. Have you been married before?
3. Are you married now?
4. What are your expectations of marriage?
5. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
6. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)
7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
8. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
9. What is the role of religion in your life now?
10. Are you a spiritual person?
11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
13. What is your relationship between you and the Muslim community in your area?
14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
15. What can you offer your spouse spiritually?
16. What is the role of the husband?
17. What is the role of the wife?
18. Do you want to practice polygamy?
19. What is your relationship with your family?
20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
26. How did you get to know them?
27. Why are they your friends?
28. What do you like most about them?
29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?
32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
34. What are the things that you do in your free time?
35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
38. Do you travel?
39. How do you spend your vacations?
40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
41. Do you read?
42. What do you read?
43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favour for you?
47. Do you like to write your feelings?
48. If you wronged someone, how do you apologize?
49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want she/he to apologize to you?
50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
53. Do your friends use foul language?
54. Does your family use foul language?
55. How do you express anger?
56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
57. What do you do when you are angry?
58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the
conflict get resolved?
60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?
67. What is you definition of wealth?
68. How do you spend money?
69. How do you save money?
70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
72. Do you use credit cards?
73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?
77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
81. Do you want to have children? If not, why?
82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
84. Do you believe in abortion?
85. Do you have children now?
86. What is your relationship with your children now?
87. What is your relationship with their other parent?
88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?
90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
91. How were you raised?
92. How were you disciplined?
93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
94. Do you believe in public school for your children?
95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?
I will also add the istikhara dua, to pray after two rak’at nafl salah:
Where the words “Hathal amr” appear twice (underlined) think of the matter you are asking for.