Love Notes – Part 2

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Opinions on Marriage

  1. Marriage will make me a better Muslim
  2. Marriage will protect me from falling into fitnah and haram
  3. Marriage will make me live happily ever after
  4. In marriage, you cannot hate the person you love
    ○ One of the strangest things about love: the person you love the most…it’s a fine line between despicable hate and love
    ○ genuine love can transform into hate bc you’re investing so much love in that person
    ○ healthiest marriages: achieve equilibrium between love and hate knowing it’s okay to hate things the person does
  5. Marriage will heal all my past wounds
  6. Marriage is a piece of cake if you marry the right person
  7. Marriage benefits men more than women
  8. Love is enough to sustain a marriage
    ○ The economy is rough LOL – when the economy is rough, divorce skyrockets
    ○ Prophet (SAW) – One of the things we look for in marriage is “Malihah”, her wealth
  9. Religious practising Muslims have a perfect marriage FALSE
  10. Marriage is a natural process that you can figure out on your own FALSE

○ requires thought, DETERMINATION
○ Prophet (SAW) to Jabir (RA), a man who told him got engaged: “did you look into her eyes” – meaning did you find love in her eyes? Did you spend enough time looking into her eyes to know she’s the one? Marriage isn’t something you just come by!

Most of the marriages that occurred in the time of the Sahabah RA were not familial, rather they were cross-cultural.
Bilal RA did not marry someone from Habshah.
The Prophet Muhammad SAW married Mariyah RA she was from Egyptian background. He SAW married Safiyyah RA and she was from a Jewish background.
They did not always marry their cousins or within the family and the same caste.

○ 1. Optional love:

You lead yourself to love and you fall deeper in love. It can grow if you allow it to grow; you need to take concrete steps, not just sit back and wait.
■ eg: your love for your spouse gets deeper as the relationship progresses
■ there are things you didn’t know that you love today, and things you loved then that you love in a different way now
■ We live today in an era with a lot of “popcorn love” → it’s not how I met your mother; it’s how many people met your mother
● The types of love that we are fed is a vain type of imagery and people make millions off of it – it’s AN INDUSTRY
● eg: Adele’s Someone Like You – national anthem of a home wrecker. This is the kind of woman you want to keep away from your husband. — THAT’S WHAT’S PUT OUT THERE AS A LOVE SONG… but it’s actually the love of desire
● We raise a generation of people that think that a booty call is acceptable, that someone can ring her up at 9pm.

 

Surah Al’Imran:14
“Beautified for people is the love of that which they desire- of women and sons, heaped-up sums of gold and silver, fine branded horses, and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life, but Allah has with Him the best return.”
■ “Beautified for people is the love they desire…”
● what they love is what they want to do with the person for a certain amount of time
● the guy/girl that compromises your relationship FSA, they don’t love you – they love, the desire (difference b/w love and love of desire): عشق andحب

Imam Ibnul Qayyim RH differentiates between ■ a was عشق whilst love noble and pure was حب says

He ● has forbidden, beyond the limits type of love. قشع is when someone goes to haram measures to be with the one they love outward same, set Allah boundaries the cross you – عشق ● characteristics as love
○ Anything you do in the name of love through sin/ compromising Allah’s boundaries is NOT love. Anything you do would you where love flaming that is عشق ○ for that person, that anything is what puts you in trouble
عشق as someone to love your explaining avoid to Try ○
○ If someone is willing to compromise their relationship with Allah swt, then nothing is stopping them from compromising you to have you why is that→ حب from your prevents عشق ○ heal and purify your soul from the love of desire
● The difference is simple, Allah loves when you love, بح , Allah loves that, but when you are upsetting Allah, that is قشع
● love is conciliatory, it’s being able to talk about the difficult things – “I didn’t like the way you said that”
○ you’re a tree that’s planted deep, not just fluff- you know the person is there to stay
○ 2. Non-Optional love
■ we’re asked to guard our gaze against the Haraam because we can fall for the unattainable
■ That love is not Haram, but acting upon it in Haram means is! The Sight/Eyes
● Hijab is not about the beauty of the women
○ if it WAS that, prophet Yusuf would need a hijab Lolz.(women cut their hands upon seeing him)
○ Yusuf, when they saw him they would “Akbar”, say Allahu Akbar, and they would cut their hands → if it was about beauty, then Allah would have put a niqab on him
○ that wasn’t the logical step
○ Cultural construct: Khateeb says something like “summer’s here bros, be careful” → cage them before they POUNCE 😛 → THIS IS A PERVERSION
■ sexuality and nudity was much more rampant at the time of Prophet (SAW)
■ At that time, if a woman was owned, a woman would be forbidden from covering above the navel… that is how pervasive nudity was
■ Paternity was so loose, that when someone was married they were married to the tribe, anyone from the tribe would lay claim to her
○ That is why we are told to guard our eyes → it is your duty as a man to run away from the Haram, it is inexcusable to say “I couldn’t help it”; it was much worse in other places
○ It is a sexist thing we have in our community is that we lower the standard of men; that is not Islamic
● One of the issues in marriage is a man who cannot guard his eyes – it is not embarrassing just for the women, it is embarrassing for him in front of Allah SWT.
● the sight is the quickest access to the soul/heart
○ Prophet (SAW) – that’s why you close the eyes of the deceased
○ Prophet (SAW) – The sinful glance is a sinful arrow of Iblis that strikes the heart
○ The eye is the easiest gate to the heart
○ There is no sinfulness in a man looking at a woman for identifying them, or doing something professional; the only problem is the fitnah in the heart
■ If you appreciate a person as a sexual being, then that is when you turn away
○ Prophet (ﷺ) telling Ali (RA) – the first look is for you. But if you return your gaze for a sinful reason (ie to “check them out”) then it’s sinful.

Narrated `Abdullah bin `Abbas RA: Al-Fadl RA (his brother) was riding behind Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) and a woman from the tribe of Khath’am came and Al-Fadl RA started looking at her and she started looking at him. The Prophet (ﷺ) turned Al-Fadl’s RA face to the other side. The woman said, “O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)! The obligation of Hajj enjoined by Allah on His devotees has become due on my father and he is old and weak, and he cannot sit firm on the Mount; may I perform Hajj on his behalf?” The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, “Yes, you may.” That happened during the Hajj-al-Wida (of the Prophet (ﷺ).
Sitting behind the Prophet (ﷺ)
○ Ibn Abbas RA said, “a woman of spectacular beauty came up to Prophet (SAW)”
○ Ibn Abbas RA noticed the beauty and restrained himself so Prophet (SAW) didn’t turn his face
○ However Al Fadl RA was, so he turned his face for him
● During the time of the Prophet SAW, segregation was not a rule,
○ Prophet (SAW) stood on a pulpit at a woman’s request – so she could see him during khutbas
○ the same pulpit is going to be beside Al-Kauthar on the Day of Judgement

**SIDE NOTE** We will all pass through the sirat through Jahanam, each at different paces (based on your answer regarding your relationship with Allah)
● When we walk through we will say “Praise be to Allah who saved me from your torture”
● Then you will walk through the qantara ( a bridge), and that is when you will have to make the recompense for the wrong you have done to others
● Those that will have most against us are those that we have spent most time with..it’s there you’ll find your wife, kids…
● not an easy journey to set balance straight with others Pornography
● one of the most proliferated vices
● technology is driven by this proliferation
● around the time of VHS, Sony tried to patent “Beta”
○ Sony was owned and operated out of Japan
○ Japan = very ethical
○ Pornography industry wanted to use Sony for filming…
○ execs said no thanks
○ VHS said “okay let’s do it!”
○ Sony developed Blu-Ray gave access to porn industry to
○ → the web applications you and I use are primarily driven by companies that want you to watch their porn
● sociologists say it’s impossible to escape your teen years without exposure to some kind of pornography
● Addicting – Mind has these synapses, you watch something and you want it more
● BUT luckily your brain has this “use it or lose it” function – if you stop watching this kind of stuff

Story of Mughith RA and Bareerah RA

Bareerah RA was a female slave and A’ishah RA was interested in buying her. She was married to Mughith, and Ai’shah freed her (they were married in slavery); a free woman cannot marry a slave man, so after she became free, she had the choice to keep this marriage or to ask for the dissolution of the marriage. She said, “Alhamdulillah, I’m tired of this marriage, I’m going to get out.” Mugheeth loved her so much, sincerely and
honestly. After she left him, he couldn’t take it, so he went into public weeping, chasing
her, asking her “Ya Bareerah just look at me or talk to me.” He went to sahabah and said,
“Please talk to her for me (to Abu Bakr and Umar and at the end, even to the Prophet (ﷺ) to ask him to intercede. So Prophet (ﷺ), (as the mercy for mankind) felt sorry for him, and he said he’d do it. When he went to Bareerah, she asked, “Are you commanding me or are you just interceding?” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “I’m interceding.” She replied, “If this is the case, then I don’t want him”, and since all else failed, he spent his life chasing after her and crying for her. “The husband of Bareerah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him now, walking behind her and weeping, with tears running down his cheeks. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to ‘Abbas RA: ‘O Abbas RA, are you not amazed by the love of Mugheeth for Bareerah, and the hatred of Bareerah for Mughith?’

And the Prophet (ﷺ) said to her: Why don’t you take him back, for he is the father of your child?’ She said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?’ He said: ‘No, rather I am interceding.’ She said: ‘I have no need of him.’ ”

 

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
Two Major Theories on Love (according to marriage therapists)

  1. Bank Account Theory
    ● When a relationship develops, it is like you opened a bank account with them
    ● You deposit feelings and actions and emotions and you expect a reciprocation or “debit”
    ● It makes people feel like the person is drawing more than they are credited.
    ● ihdina siraat al mustaqeem
    ○ istiqamah – balance. So that if it shakes, you don’t fall over.
    ○ You don’t take out more than what’s in the bank 2. Gas Tank Theory
    ● most brothers don’t mind coasting with the yellow light on
    ○ in counselling: I didn’t know anything was wrong
    ● sisters – don’t wait till the breaking point
    ○ in counselling: I was giving him so many yellow lights
    ● we think about the same problems in different ways

A Husband’s Guide to Ruining a Good Marriage

  1. Show thankfulness to everyone for kindness to show you except your wife. Let your wife see you CAPABLE of saying thanks to others, but INCAPABLE of showing gratitude to the person who shares your life.
  2. Mention your wife’s faults. Keep them on file. Use the mistakes she’s made to cover your own stupidity.
  3. Randomly/unnecessarily spend time out of the house, for no reason…and when she calls you, don’t answer.
  4. Be connected to all your social media/devices simultaneously and ask her to make you a sandwich. Do all of that while the kids are up and she gets aggravated.
  5. Monitor her level of attire and conduct…all while watching mature content on TV (not just porn…just TV shows of people dressed inappropriately).
  6. Say things like “kids…what kids? Am I responsible for them?” Be that absent father
  7. Argue and fight in front of your kids because your kids need memories, those loving moments of tenderness.
  8. Say things like, “I forbid you” and “you’re not allowed” and “I command you” (because she’s 2 years old and you can’t have a conversation while sharing each other’s view).
  9. Strike, push, shove your wife – and then feel bad and say, “I’m sorry, but you’re the one who ____” as if it’s her fault as if there was anything that warranted your hostility.
  10. Spend a lot of your disposable income on luxury items…but refuse to pay AlMaghrib course costs because Islam should be for free.
  11. Put down your wife’s cooking, attire, shape, clothes…in front of your family and say “I’m just joking!”
  12. When you walk beside her in public, don’t lower your gaze. Instead, sleazily check out other women. Because that’s classy.
  13. Be insensitive, quiet, withdrawn, sarcastic all day…and at night expect intimacy
  14. Motivate her by comparing her to your own sisters, friend’s wives, etc …And keep her at the bottom of the list
  15. Never reconsider a decision you made after she advises you she’s wrong because she will never respect you thereafter so she should never win those arguments.
  16. Show how close you’ve come together by sharing your vulgar sounds and smells at random moments of the day and night.

 

A Wife’s Guide to Ruining a Good Marriage

  1. Forget that hijab begins within as an attitude and not just fabric. Act/talk in weird ways. Forget that hijab is not in the clothes that you wear but the attitude that you have.
  2. Tell your friends near and far about your family problems in detail and tell them “shh don’t tell anyone” because of course, they’ll keep it.
  3. Nagging is an art. You must perfect it. The more you repeat yourself, the better he will understand you
  4. When your husband is tense, stressed and had a bad day…push his button. You know the button.
  5. Your Motto: Treat them mean, so they’ll be keen. If you soften and they see it as a weakness, they’ll walk all over you
  6. When you’re upset with each other privately, make sure you let the kids know how horrible he is.
  7. RUIN – Intimacy is a weapon. Randomly/ for no apparent reason, restrict it, just to teach him a lesson.
  8. When your friends get a new TV, you get a Smart TV. When they get bling, you get bling bling. Keep up with the Patels.
  9. If your husband is having troubles with his parents/siblings, stick your nose in it. Everyone will love you later. a. if he asks for your advice…say you love them at least neutral/distant
  10. Get your father and mother to talk to him about problems you have with him that you never shared with him…surprise!
  11. The silent treatment IS communication. There’s nothing wrong with keeping him guessing.
  12. If your husband succeeds in something, don’t encourage him…you don’t want him to think he’s special but if he makes a mistake, bury him.
  13. Argue in front of your children. In fact, use vulgarity in front of your kids in front of each other.
  14. Say things like, “I don’t trust you”, “why are you late”, “where are you going” – without cause for suspicion…because no man can be trusted.
  15. TV-ing is a verb. Always have the TV on. It’s a good babysitter and it passes the time. Always let it be part of your home life.
  16. When you feel that spark of love is missing, by recalling past loves and make him feel that your thoughts are still with them

 

Love in the Sunnah pg 81
→ He didn’t just marry to help people, or just for sexual appetite.
→ Sometimes people asked him to marry them and he wasn’t interested, some of the prophet’s wives weren’t “sexually available” so that’s not why he married them

 

  1. When you eat, eat with her
    ○ it’s kind of a vulgar translation to say, “when you eat, feed with her”
    ○ Prophet (SAW) never ate from a plate alone
    ○ That’s why you can give even half a date
    ○ Way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
    ○ There’s comfort/barakah in food
    ○ Prophet (SAW) – make sure the people who have open access to your food (because of frankness) are people of piety

 

  1. When you buy yourself something, buy her something as well
    ○ it’s not about what you buy her – it’s about when you think about yourself, you think about your spouse
    ○ People wouldn’t gift the prophet without gifting Aisha (RA) a gift – other wives were jealous sometimes

 

  1. Seek her counsel
    ○ When Prophet (ﷺ) said “she obeyed her husband” – it’s qualitative. There’s no obedience to anyone unless there’s obedience to Allah
    ○ Day of Hudaibiyya – rumour spreads that Uthman has been killed. so they make a treaty under a tree to avenge his death…but it was a false alarm
    ○ …Prophet (SAW) took counsel with Umm Salamah

 

  1. Seat her where you sit=
    ○ sit together
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) would have a cushion and when his wife/daughter would come in, he’d give it to her

 

  1. What you ask of her, be willing to give her
    ○ Surat Al Baqarah
    ○ Abdullah Ibn Abbas, one of the greatest mufassiroon, would get ready (clothes, smelling, looking nice) to go into his home – his students would be like why are you getting ready to go into your house instead of getting ready upon leaving
    ■ lahunna….(for her what u expect of her?)

 

  1. Say “I love you” often and show it through your consistent behaviour – Who do you love the most?
    ○ “don’t tell me you love me…why…because my parents”
    ○ ‘Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) would often seek reassurance from The Prophet (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) that he loved her. “How is your love for me?” she once asked. “Like the rope’s knot,” The more you pull at it and stress it, the stronger it gets. Many times after that she would ask, “How is the knot?” and he would reply:” “The same as the first day it was tied!”
    ○ Prophet (SAW) had sweat on his brow and…Aisha related it to the poetry about the blessed nature of his sweat… being like the pearls in the ocean. Prophet (SAW) came over, kissed her forehead and said “you’re more beloved to me than all of them” ♥
    ○ Ali RA came home and saw Fatimah brushing her teeth with miswak and he started spouting poetry to the toothbrush “no one got to that place before me like you, if you were a man I would have killed you, etc.”
    ○ Three qualities of being a MAN in Arabic folklore
    ■ courageous in battle
    ■ eloquent in words
    ■ passionate about family
  2. Be generous with your money on her and your children
    ○ spend on your family
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) – charity with the greatest barakah is the money spent on the family
    ■ lan tanalul birr
    ■ Abu Talha upon the revelation of the verse said “I have these two gardens”…Prophet (SAW) said no, distribute it among your fam 8. Travel together
    ○ Prophet (SAW) always took along a wife on his travels.
    ○ There were 2 instances when Aisha (RA) lost her necklace.
    ○ Tayammum was a result of Aisha (RA) losing her necklace in a place with no water, and they spent so much time looking for it that they had to stay till morning, and everyone was upset because they couldn’t do wudhu, so Allah SWT sent the ayat regarding tayammum○ Everyone has heard of the hadith regarding Aisha and Prophet SAW racing, but it wasn’t an olympic style race…Shaykh Yahya would say that “they romantically frolicked through the sand dunes of Arabia”
  3. Let her feel your concern for her well-being
    ○ Safiyyah comes to masjid where Prophet (SAW) is doing i’tikaf to talk to Prophet (SAW)…and he left the i’tikaf to walk her home
  4. Show chivalry (mar’oo-a)
    ○ one of the things we don’t demonstrate enough – you do the best of what is right) – sense of honour that you’re the server (open door, serve food
    ○ Prophet (SAW) the server should always be the last to eat
    ○ Safiyyah RA – wanted to get on top of a camel but she was too short…so the Prophet (SAW) got the camel to come down but she still couldn’t reach. So he gets down on a knee and she steps on top of it to get on the camel

 

  1. Be flexible & Humorous
    ○ Aisha (RA) was younger – not much experience in housework, cooking.
    ○ Aisha (RA) once cooked something and presented it to Prophet (SAW)
    ○ When Prophet (SAW) didn’t like a dish, he never said no to it but suggested an alternative.
    ○ Prophet (SAW) suggested going over to Sawdah’s house
    ■ When Sawdah came out with the meal, Aisha (RA) was jealous so she smacked down the plate, it fell and broke.
    ■ Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Why don’t you try it, maybe you’ll like it?” – diffuses the situation, doesn’t call her out on her jealousy
    ○ Then when he got home, he said: “You liked her food, so why don’t you send her a plate of your food?” – This way, he subtly got Aisha to replace the dish she broke.
  2. Kissable & Hygienic
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) was very affectionate
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) would kiss his wives before leading prayer – but he had the strength of a 1000 men – it was to make them feel loved, out of intimacy, not sexually
  3. Nicknames
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) had nicknames for his wives, he would call Aisha “Ya Eish” – that it is through her that he gets “Eish” (life)
  4. Closer than your garment
    ○ hadith about bathing from a bowl with dough residue in it
    ○ allowance to bathe with the spouse
    ○ Ibn Hajar RH derives a lot of fiqh from it
  5. Intimacy not just sexually
    ○ Aisha (RA) – Prophet (SAW) knew that I liked to touch his skin so he’d remove his shirt so my skin could be on his
  6. Allah is first
    ○ “When it was time for prayer, it was like he didn’t know us”
  7. Time away – 1 month can be 29 days.
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The Thorns in the Path of a Blissful Marriage

By Mufti Abdur-Rahman ibn Yusuf, Londonuntitled

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

As humans, we have a natural desire for companionship. A desire to have a person with whom to share one’s life, someone who will bring us happiness and joy and be a source of comfort in times of difficulty is a very essential human feeling. Islam acknowledges this need and makes it permissible through nikah (marriage). This sacred act not only unites two individuals in a moral and honourable way, but also pleases Allah to such a degree that it is considered half of our din. According to hadith, a pious husband and wife who have had a successful marriage will be together in Paradise. A person will not be with their mother, father, brother, sister, daughter, son or anyone else in Paradise but with their spouse.

Isn’t it everyone’s dream to be in paradise with their beloved for eternity? How do we attain this level of bliss when we individually are only one half of the equation in marriage? If we each make the necessary effort to know and understand the ins and outs of marriage and the ways of making our Lord happy, we will be able to contribute to the success of our union, insha Allah.

Marriage can seem very daunting. Statistics show that marriage rates have declined to historic lows but, despite the record low in numbers getting married, divorce rates are at their highest. It doesn’t help that in this day and age, marriage has become something that is taken very lightly, to the extent that divorcing a spouse has become as easy as returning an unwanted item recently purchased. What people seem to have forgotten is that marriage is a very significant and sacred component of life and must be treated as such.

There are many talks and books on marriage and how to make a marriage successful. One of the most important things in this regard is that we be mindful of what can sabotage a marriage, so that we can avoid the harmful consequences. A person starting a business does not just look at how to set up the business and make a profit, they also learn about the risks involved so that they can mitigate and manage those risks. This allows the entrepreneur to avoid potential issues or at least have some awareness of what they might face.

In the same way, having a successful marriage is not easy and it takes effort from both spouses. Both should be aware that life is not always a bed of roses and there will inevitably be difficult times as well as good. It is extremely important to know and understand some fiqh related to marriage before embarking on this journey. It is more than just coming to the masjid, repeating a few words in front of the imam and paying the agreed mahr (marriage payment).

There are opportunities for us to please Allah each step of the way, from choosing a partner, to the engagement and the marriage ceremony itself. When the marrying couple strives to follow the laws of Allah throughout the process and during the marriage itself, they will gain more blessings in their union.

Finding the Right Spouse:

Once you’ve decided that you’re ready for marriage, the first step is finding the right partner, which can sometimes be a difficult experience. Some things to consider when choosing a partner are personality, character, beauty but, most importantly, how and how much they follow Islam and the Sunnah. If you truly want a happy marriage, it must be to someone who will treat you well because they know your rights and realise that they are accountable to Allah. With that in mind, it would make sense to marry a Muslim who is seeking the same qualities in their partner? It is sometimes disastrous to marry someone primarily on the basis of their wealth, beauty or occupation if they are not at your level in faith and practice and then expect them to become practicing at your level.

A current trend is that many Muslim men want to marry non-Muslim women (Christian or Jewish) under the pretext that they will bring them into Islam. The problem with this is that, more often than not, the husband does not try very hard to guide his wife to the faith and is very weak himself. His commitment to his faith is complete uninspiring. Marrying people of other faiths many times poses great heartache and difficulties, especially when children enter the equation. Agreements and promises can be made on how to raise the children during the marriage contract, but what happens if the marriage breaks down? That is why interfaith marriages have been highly discouraged.

Moving on, whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with, know that you have ended up together because Allah decreed it. When two people come together for marriage they do not know the future and whether or not they will be compatible. But remember that Allah can create love and understanding between two people who are complete opposites of one another. It is essential to make du’a’ and rely solely on Allah for His support as only He controls our hearts.

Once the introduction has been made and both parties agree to marriage, some form of engagement normally takes place after which the couple may desire to get to know each other. It is important to note that according to Islamic Law, engaged couple are still technically strangers and unlawful for one another, and thus, spending informal time together is not permissible. It is therefore strongly recommended to avoid having a long engagement and to perform even a simple low-key nikah as soon as possible once both families have committed. What I mean by this is that a private nikah be performed with two witnesses. Parents should be flexible in this regard and not stubbornly insist on long engagements without nikah. By taking these steps, the couple will not destroy the blessings and good prospects in their marriage and will avoid the evil that comes about from unlawful associations. After a nikah, they can interact and get to know each other in a lawful manner even if they are not living with each other. Later, a more elaborate nikah ceremony and reception can take place where the extended family and friends are invited.

A Double Nikah?:

Another nikah? Yes! Contrary to popular belief, nikah can be performed more than once. In fact, according to some scholars such as Imam Ibn ‘Abidin al-Shami, couples should refresh their marriage once in a while. People sometimes utter blasphemies or obscenities without realising it to be a statement of disbelief (kufr), which takes them out of their faith and causes their marriage to break. The faith is reinstated by reciting the shahada or performing the next salat, etc., but a nikah does not automatically renew, and must be performed again, otherwise, the couple will be living together in sin.

The late Mufti Nizamuddin A’zami of Deoband had for while counselled a couple with marital problems. One day, he called in two witnesses and conducted their nikah again. Their conflicts soon disappeared. They came to him and wondered what had made the difference. He explained that during his interaction with them, he had noticed that they were not very careful with their tongues and it was likely one of them had had uttered a blasphemy whilst angry, thus nullifying their marriage. Due to the absence of nikah, they had been deprived of the blessings and had been living a life of fornication. Therefore, re-establishment of their nikah restored the blessing of a lawful union and many of their problems disappeared.

Divorce Should not Be in Your Vocabulary:

Small or large conflicts arise in many marriages. The key is never to let divorce be an option or even a word in your vocabulary.

Unlike some other religions, divorce is permitted in Islam but it is described by our Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) as one of the worst of the permissible acts in faith. Islam recognises that sometimes divorce is the only way forward, so this avenue is left open, but it should be a last resort. When the threat of divorce is removed from the marital equation, there is trust between the spouses that they are both committed to making things work rather than resorting to threats of divorce as the easy option.

The concept of divorce is taken so lightly these days. Divorces are issued on the flimsiest of excuses or used as a threat to emotionally blackmail a spouse. Imagine being in a marriage where you’re in constant terror and treading on eggshells because you don’t know what you may say or do that will cause your spouse to threaten to say or ask for the “D” word?

Muslims should know how delicate this matter is and how easy it is to issue a divorce. Ignorance is rife in this regard. Even if a wife asks her husband for a divorce during an argument and he says “OK” the divorce is effective. Similarly, if the husband says “I divorce you” or “you are divorced” it is done! This is why the word divorce should be removed from your vocabulary so that it is not inadvertently issued without a great deal of thought.

Divorce is one of three things in Islam which, if said intentionally or even as a joke, is effective as a legal statement. The only exception is if someone is not of sound mind (clinically insane) and does not know and cannot remember what they say.

After a clear revocable divorce (talaq raj’i), there is a waiting period (or ‘iddah, equal to 3 menstrual cycles) in which the husband and wife may reconcile their differences and the original nikah remain valid. If the period of ‘iddah ends before the husband decides he wants to take his wife back, then the couple must perform their nikah again to remarry. However, this process where the original nikah remains valid during the iddah period can only happen twice. Upon a third divorce, if the couple want to get back together, they must first go through a process called halala.

The Halala Process:

Halala is when the wife, after her ’iddah has passed, marries another man and consummates the marriage with him. After consummation, if the second husband divorces her, she may return to and marry her first husband. If the second husband divorces her as an act of kindness to help the couple, it will be considered a virtuous act as long as he does not make his intentions apparent to the two from before the marriage. So an important factor, along with the marriage having to be consummation with the new husband, is that the halala cannot be pre-conditioned, i.e. the woman cannot marry another man on the condition that he divorces her after consummation of the marriage in order that she may return to her first husband. If it is preconditioned, it will be haram and all parties involved will be cursed according to the Prophetic hadith.

Sound complicated? That is probably intentional. It cannot be emphasised enough that a couple should think long and hard so they do not find themselves in this predicament. All too often, for whatever reason (either ignorance or anger) some men issue all three divorces at once. They think that only three work and any less is not effective. What if they want to reconcile once emotions have calmed down? Imagine having to go through the process of halala described above and putting the woman you love through it? I am addressing the men here specifically because they are the one’s guilty of issuing all divorces at once. They abuse the discretion granted to them. Even If divorce is the only way forward, then a single divorce is more than sufficient. Why give more and then regret it?

The Khula’:

Islam also provides an avenue for the woman to instigate a divorce through the process of khula’. This is when the wife returns her marriage gift (mahr) or another sum of money back to the husband in exchange for an irrevocable divorce.

According to a hadith from Bukhari, relayed by ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him), the wife of Thabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said she had no complaints about her husband’s din or character but could not reconcile between being a Muslim and being ungrateful [to him]; she was unable to appreciate this great person and this made her uncomfortable as she thought she was compromising her own faith with her lack of appreciation. In Islam, the husband and wife are expected to benefit from their relationship and not suffer due to it. Our beloved Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) recognised her dilemma and suggested that she return her mahr to her husband and that he grant her a divorce. He did not insist that they stay together.

More often than not, a khula’ cannot be mutually arranged between the spouses themselves due to the acrimony between them, and sometimes due to the obstinacy and stubbornness of the husband in his refusal to divorce his wife while at the same time not fulfilling his role as a proper husband. In this case, the wife would be advised to seek redress through a Shari’a court.

It would not have been accurate to paint a rosy picture of marriage without exposing the thorns. This is something I am consulted on month after month and many times I feel helpless in the face of the mass ignorance that is rife about the rules of marriage and divorce. Knowing the good as well as the bad of marital relationships should help us see things clearly. While many couples put their utmost efforts into attaining the rhetorical “happily ever after” end, some marriages undoubtedly endure struggle and discord. It is up to each individual to try their best to salvage their marriage and be the best spouse to their partner, remembering that we will all have to answer to Allah for our actions one day. Along with that, we should have sole reliance on Allah, as only He knows what is best.

Transcribed by Zahira Omar

Edited by Ahmed Limbada

10 Habits of Happy Couples

wife

As Leo Tolstoy once said, “All happy families resemble one another; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” We can smile at that quote or it can inspire us to ask ourselves some wise questions: What is it that happy families are doing? And, do my spouse and I fall into the category of happy couples?

If you want to have a superior relationship with your partner and be a good role model for your children, then enhance your verbal skills today by adopting the tips below. What I have found as a couples mediator is that the same verbal skills work to improve every relationship. These 10 quick and simple tips from my book Fight Less, Love More will keep the peace in the family and make your love connection stronger. Even if you’re using the tips and your husband or wife isn’t, their effect will still be astonishing.

Pick The Right Battles

1  of  10

Before you get angry and reprimand your mate for making a mistake or doing something you told him or her not to do, stop and ask yourself this one wise question: “Does this affect me?” If it doesn’t, button your lips and avoid a fight. After all, your mate is the one who must deal with the consequence, not you.

Be A Detective

2  of  10

When your mate’s mistake does affect you, what then? Rather than being hostile, find out what really happened. Ask neutral and respectful questions such as, “Can you tell me what happened?” or “I don’t understand. Am I missing something here?” You might discover a good reason for the oversight or blunder, which could avoid a blow-up.

Complain With Impact

3  of  10

When you have a complaint, say what you do want, not what you don’t want. For example, rather than saying to your child or mate, “Get off that darn computer — you’re so rude!” instead target your mate using a positive approach: “I miss your company. Can you join me in the living room to hang out?”

Skip The ‘Whatever’ Word

4  of  10

Being passive by often saying “whatever you want” might temporarily avoid a fight, but it could breed resentment because it leaves the majority of decisions to your mate, which can be stressful. Instead, have a real opinion and share it.

Create Policies

5  of  10

If your mate does something that affects and disturbs you, such as overspending or making plans for both of you without asking the other first, don’t get sucked into the heated “How could you?” argument. Instead, focus on the future by creating policy solutions, as in, “From now on can we agree to make a budget for our personal expenses?” Or: “Can we agree to check in with each other before making plans for both of us?”

Show You Care

6  of  10

Forgetting to ask about what’s going on in your child or your mate’s daily life is a surefire way to erode a relationship. From now on, if you know that someone in your family has an important meeting, test, doctor appointment, or event that day, don’t neglect it — instead, respect it. Call, email, text, or ask in person, “How did it go?” This sends a clear message: I care about you.

Avoid Factual Arguments

7  of  10

Do you and your mate often find yourselves arguing about the name of a restaurant you went to, a certain address, someone’s birthday, an historical fact, or sports figure? Then you are prone to having a dumb argument! Stop the conversation and do an online fact check, call a friend, or simply drive by the location.

Apologize With The ‘B’ Word

8  of  10

Quickly saying the words “I’m sorry” is a bad apology because it often comes off as insincere, and could trigger another battle. Next time you seek mercy, add the “B” word: Say, “I’m sorry because…” and share how you hurt your mate and what you will do to prevent the wrongdoing from recurring. Research shows that when you add the “because clause” your words are more persuasive.

Create Border Control

9  of  10

Are you ever angry with your partner for revealing something to others that you consider private, like a health issue, a child discipline issue, job insecurity, or a marital disagreement? If so, bypass the “How could you say that?!” argument. Instead, establish border control: Outline the topics that should remain private to insure that neither of you becomes an accidental traitor.

Give A Daily Dose Of Recognition

10  of  10

Most couples on the divorce path seldom compliment each other. In our online survey for Fight Less, Love More, we asked people, “Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?” The result was that 84 percent of people said “kind.” The lesson: Find daily opportunities to recognize your mate for something that reflects a character strength (you are such a wonderful mother/father, you are so thoughtful when you…).