Love Notes – Part 2

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Opinions on Marriage

1. Marriage will make me a better Muslim
2. Marriage will protect me from falling into fitnah and haram
3. Marriage will make me live happily ever after
4. In marriage, you cannot hate the person you love
   ○ One of the strangest things about love: the person you love the most…it’s a fine line between despicable hate and love
   ○ genuine love can transform into hate bc you’re investing so much love in that person
   ○ healthiest marriages: achieve equilibrium between love and hate knowing it’s okay to hate things the person does
5. Marriage will heal all my past wounds
6. Marriage is a piece of cake if you marry the right person
7. Marriage benefits men more than women
8. Love is enough to sustain a marriage
   ○ The economy is rough LOL – when the economy is rough, divorce skyrockets
   ○ Prophet (SAW) – One of the things we look for in marriage is “Malihah”, her wealth
9. Religious practising Muslims have a perfect marriage FALSE
10. Marriage is a natural process that you can figure out on your own FALSE

○ requires thought, DETERMINATION
○ Prophet (SAW) to Jabir (RA), a man who told him got engaged: “did you look into her eyes” – meaning did you find love in her eyes? Did you spend enough time looking into her eyes to know she’s the one? Marriage isn’t something you just come by!

Most of the marriages that occurred in the time of the Sahabah RA were not familial, rather they were cross-cultural.

Bilal RA did not marry someone from Habshah.

The Prophet Muhammad SAW married Mariyah RA she was from Egyptian background. He SAW married Safiyyah RA and she was from a Jewish background.

They did not always marry their cousins or within the family and the same caste.

○ 1. Optional love:

You lead yourself to love and you fall deeper in love. It can grow if you allow it to grow; you need to take concrete steps, not just sit back and wait.
■ eg: your love for your spouse gets deeper as the relationship progresses
■ there are things you didn’t know that you love today, and things you loved then that you love in a different way now
■ We live today in an era with a lot of “popcorn love” → it’s not how I met your mother; it’s how many people met your mother
● The types of love that we are fed is a vain type of imagery and people make millions off of it – it’s AN INDUSTRY
● eg: Adele’s Someone Like You – national anthem of a home wrecker. This is the kind of woman you want to keep away from your husband. — THAT’S WHAT’S PUT OUT THERE AS A LOVE SONG… but it’s actually the love of desire
● We raise a generation of people that think that a booty call is acceptable, that someone can ring her up at 9pm.

 

Surah Al’Imran:14
“Beautified for people is the love of that which they desire- of women and sons, heaped-up sums of gold and silver, fine branded horses, and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life, but Allah has with Him the best return.”
■ “Beautified for people is the love they desire…”
● what they love is what they want to do with the person for a certain amount of time
● the guy/girl that compromises your relationship FSA, they don’t love you – they love, the desire (difference b/w love and love of desire): عشق andحب

Imam Ibnul Qayyim RH differentiates between ■ a was عشق whilst love noble and pure was حب says

He ● has forbidden, beyond the limits type of love. قشع is when someone goes to haram measures to be with the one they love outward same, set Allah boundaries the cross you – عشق ● characteristics as love
○ Anything you do in the name of love through sin/ compromising Allah’s boundaries is NOT love. Anything you do would you where love flaming that is عشق ○ for that person, that anything is what puts you in trouble
عشق as someone to love your explaining avoid to Try ○
○ If someone is willing to compromise their relationship with Allah swt, then nothing is stopping them from compromising you to have you why is that→ حب from your prevents عشق ○ heal and purify your soul from the love of desire
● The difference is simple, Allah loves when you love, بح , Allah loves that, but when you are upsetting Allah, that is قشع
● love is conciliatory, it’s being able to talk about the difficult things – “I didn’t like the way you said that”
○ you’re a tree that’s planted deep, not just fluff- you know the person is there to stay
○ 2. Non-Optional love
■ we’re asked to guard our gaze against the Haraam because we can fall for the unattainable
■ That love is not Haram, but acting upon it in Haram means is! The Sight/Eyes
● Hijab is not about the beauty of the women
○ if it WAS that, prophet Yusuf would need a hijab Lolz.(women cut their hands upon seeing him)
○ Yusuf, when they saw him they would “Akbar”, say Allahu Akbar, and they would cut their hands → if it was about beauty, then Allah would have put a niqab on him
○ that wasn’t the logical step
○ Cultural construct: Khateeb says something like “summer’s here bros, be careful” → cage them before they POUNCE 😛 → THIS IS A PERVERSION
■ sexuality and nudity was much more rampant at the time of Prophet (SAW)
■ At that time, if a woman was owned, a woman would be forbidden from covering above the navel… that is how pervasive nudity was
■ Paternity was so loose, that when someone was married they were married to the tribe, anyone from the tribe would lay claim to her
○ That is why we are told to guard our eyes → it is your duty as a man to run away from the Haram, it is inexcusable to say “I couldn’t help it”; it was much worse in other places
○ It is a sexist thing we have in our community is that we lower the standard of men; that is not Islamic
● One of the issues in marriage is a man who cannot guard his eyes – it is not embarrassing just for the women, it is embarrassing for him in front of Allah SWT.
● the sight is the quickest access to the soul/heart
○ Prophet (SAW) – that’s why you close the eyes of the deceased
○ Prophet (SAW) – The sinful glance is a sinful arrow of Iblis that strikes the heart
○ The eye is the easiest gate to the heart
○ There is no sinfulness in a man looking at a woman for identifying them, or doing something professional; the only problem is the fitnah in the heart
■ If you appreciate a person as a sexual being, then that is when you turn away
○ Prophet (ﷺ) telling Ali (RA) – the first look is for you. But if you return your gaze for a sinful reason (ie to “check them out”) then it’s sinful.

Narrated `Abdullah bin `Abbas RA: Al-Fadl RA (his brother) was riding behind Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) and a woman from the tribe of Khath’am came and Al-Fadl RA started looking at her and she started looking at him. The Prophet (ﷺ) turned Al-Fadl’s RA face to the other side. The woman said, “O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)! The obligation of Hajj enjoined by Allah on His devotees has become due on my father and he is old and weak, and he cannot sit firm on the Mount; may I perform Hajj on his behalf?” The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, “Yes, you may.” That happened during the Hajj-al-Wida (of the Prophet (ﷺ).
Sitting behind the Prophet (ﷺ)
○ Ibn Abbas RA said, “a woman of spectacular beauty came up to Prophet (SAW)”
○ Ibn Abbas RA noticed the beauty and restrained himself so Prophet (SAW) didn’t turn his face
○ However Al Fadl RA was, so he turned his face for him
● During the time of the Prophet SAW, segregation was not a rule,
○ Prophet (SAW) stood on a pulpit at a woman’s request – so she could see him during khutbas
○ the same pulpit is going to be beside Al-Kauthar on the Day of Judgement

**SIDE NOTE** We will all pass through the sirat through Jahanam, each at different paces (based on your answer regarding your relationship with Allah)
● When we walk through we will say “Praise be to Allah who saved me from your torture”
● Then you will walk through the qantara ( a bridge), and that is when you will have to make the recompense for the wrong you have done to others
● Those that will have most against us are those that we have spent most time with..it’s there you’ll find your wife, kids…
● not an easy journey to set balance straight with others Pornography
● one of the most proliferated vices
● technology is driven by this proliferation
● around the time of VHS, Sony tried to patent “Beta”
○ Sony was owned and operated out of Japan
○ Japan = very ethical
○ Pornography industry wanted to use Sony for filming…
○ execs said no thanks
○ VHS said “okay let’s do it!”
○ Sony developed Blu-Ray gave access to porn industry to
○ → the web applications you and I use are primarily driven by companies that want you to watch their porn
● sociologists say it’s impossible to escape your teen years without exposure to some kind of pornography
● Addicting – Mind has these synapses, you watch something and you want it more
● BUT luckily your brain has this “use it or lose it” function – if you stop watching this kind of stuff

Story of Mughith RA and Bareerah RA

Bareerah RA was a female slave and A’ishah RA was interested in buying her. She was married to Mughith, and Ai’shah freed her (they were married in slavery); a free woman cannot marry a slave man, so after she became free, she had the choice to keep this marriage or to ask for the dissolution of the marriage. She said, “Alhamdulillah, I’m tired of this marriage, I’m going to get out.” Mugheeth loved her so much, sincerely and
honestly. After she left him, he couldn’t take it, so he went into public weeping, chasing
her, asking her “Ya Bareerah just look at me or talk to me.” He went to sahabah and said,
“Please talk to her for me (to Abu Bakr and Umar and at the end, even to the Prophet (ﷺ) to ask him to intercede. So Prophet (ﷺ), (as the mercy for mankind) felt sorry for him, and he said he’d do it. When he went to Bareerah, she asked, “Are you commanding me or are you just interceding?” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “I’m interceding.” She replied, “If this is the case, then I don’t want him”, and since all else failed, he spent his life chasing after her and crying for her. “The husband of Bareerah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him now, walking behind her and weeping, with tears running down his cheeks. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to ‘Abbas RA: ‘O Abbas RA, are you not amazed by the love of Mugheeth for Bareerah, and the hatred of Bareerah for Mughith?’

And the Prophet (ﷺ) said to her: Why don’t you take him back, for he is the father of your child?’ She said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?’ He said: ‘No, rather I am interceding.’ She said: ‘I have no need of him.’ ”

 

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
Two Major Theories on Love (according to marriage therapists)

1. Bank Account Theory
   ● When a relationship develops, it is like you opened a bank account with them
   ● You deposit feelings and actions and emotions and you expect a reciprocation or “debit”
   ● It makes people feel like the person is drawing more than they are credited.
   ● ihdina siraat al mustaqeem
   ○ istiqamah – balance. So that if it shakes, you don’t fall over.
   ○ You don’t take out more than what’s in the bank 2. Gas Tank Theory
   ● most brothers don’t mind coasting with the yellow light on
   ○ in counselling: I didn’t know anything was wrong
   ● sisters – don’t wait till the breaking point
   ○ in counselling: I was giving him so many yellow lights
   ● we think about the same problems in different ways

A Husband’s Guide to Ruining a Good Marriage

1. Show thankfulness to everyone for kindness to show you except your wife. Let your wife see you CAPABLE of saying thanks to others, but INCAPABLE of showing gratitude to the person who shares your life.
2. Mention your wife’s faults. Keep them on file. Use the mistakes she’s made to cover your own stupidity.
3. Randomly/unnecessarily spend time out of the house, for no reason…and when she calls you, don’t answer.
4. Be connected to all your social media/devices simultaneously and ask her to make you a sandwich. Do all of that while the kids are up and she gets aggravated.
5. Monitor her level of attire and conduct…all while watching mature content on TV (not just porn…just TV shows of people dressed inappropriately).
6. Say things like “kids…what kids? Am I responsible for them?” Be that absent father
7. Argue and fight in front of your kids because your kids need memories, those loving moments of tenderness.
8. Say things like, “I forbid you” and “you’re not allowed” and “I command you” (because she’s 2 years old and you can’t have a conversation while sharing each other’s view).
9. Strike, push, shove your wife – and then feel bad and say, “I’m sorry, but you’re the one who ____” as if it’s her fault as if there was anything that warranted your hostility.
10. Spend a lot of your disposable income on luxury items…but refuse to pay AlMaghrib course costs because Islam should be for free.
11. Put down your wife’s cooking, attire, shape, clothes…in front of your family and say “I’m just joking!”
12. When you walk beside her in public, don’t lower your gaze. Instead, sleazily check out other women. Because that’s classy.
13. Be insensitive, quiet, withdrawn, sarcastic all day…and at night expect intimacy
14. Motivate her by comparing her to your own sisters, friend’s wives, etc …And keep her at the bottom of the list
15. Never reconsider a decision you made after she advises you she’s wrong because she will never respect you thereafter so she should never win those arguments.
16. Show how close you’ve come together by sharing your vulgar sounds and smells at random moments of the day and night.

 

A Wife’s Guide to Ruining a Good Marriage

1. Forget that hijab begins within as an attitude and not just fabric. Act/talk in weird ways. Forget that hijab is not in the clothes that you wear but the attitude that you have.
2. Tell your friends near and far about your family problems in detail and tell them “shh don’t tell anyone” because of course, they’ll keep it.
3. Nagging is an art. You must perfect it. The more you repeat yourself, the better he will understand you
4. When your husband is tense, stressed and had a bad day…push his button. You know the button.
5. Your Motto: Treat them mean, so they’ll be keen. If you soften and they see it as a weakness, they’ll walk all over you
6. When you’re upset with each other privately, make sure you let the kids know how horrible he is.
7. RUIN – Intimacy is a weapon. Randomly/ for no apparent reason, restrict it, just to teach him a lesson.
8. When your friends get a new TV, you get a Smart TV. When they get bling, you get bling bling. Keep up with the Patels.
9. If your husband is having troubles with his parents/siblings, stick your nose in it. Everyone will love you later. a. if he asks for your advice…say you love them at least neutral/distant
10. Get your father and mother to talk to him about problems you have with him that you never shared with him…surprise!
11. The silent treatment IS communication. There’s nothing wrong with keeping him guessing.
12. If your husband succeeds in something, don’t encourage him…you don’t want him to think he’s special but if he makes a mistake, bury him.
13. Argue in front of your children. In fact, use vulgarity in front of your kids in front of each other.
14. Say things like, “I don’t trust you”, “why are you late”, “where are you going” – without cause for suspicion…because no man can be trusted.
15. TV-ing is a verb. Always have the TV on. It’s a good babysitter and it passes the time. Always let it be part of your home life.
16. When you feel that spark of love is missing, by recalling past loves and make him feel that your thoughts are still with them

 

Love in the Sunnah pg 81
→ He didn’t just marry to help people, or just for sexual appetite.
→ Sometimes people asked him to marry them and he wasn’t interested, some of the prophet’s wives weren’t “sexually available” so that’s not why he married them

 

1. When you eat, eat with her
   ○ it’s kind of a vulgar translation to say, “when you eat, feed with her”
   ○ Prophet (SAW) never ate from a plate alone
   ○ That’s why you can give even half a date
   ○ Way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
   ○ There’s comfort/barakah in food
   ○ Prophet (SAW) – make sure the people who have open access to your food (because of frankness) are people of piety

 

2. When you buy yourself something, buy her something as well
   ○ it’s not about what you buy her – it’s about when you think about yourself, you think about your spouse
   ○ People wouldn’t gift the prophet without gifting Aisha (RA) a gift – other wives were jealous sometimes

 

3. Seek her counsel
   ○ When Prophet (ﷺ) said “she obeyed her husband” – it’s qualitative. There’s no obedience to anyone unless there’s obedience to Allah
   ○ Day of Hudaibiyya – rumour spreads that Uthman has been killed. so they make a treaty under a tree to avenge his death…but it was a false alarm
   ○ …Prophet (SAW) took counsel with Umm Salamah

 

4. Seat her where you sit=
   ○ sit together
   ○ Prophet (ﷺ) would have a cushion and when his wife/daughter would come in, he’d give it to her

 

5. What you ask of her, be willing to give her
   ○ Surat Al Baqarah
   ○ Abdullah Ibn Abbas, one of the greatest mufassiroon, would get ready (clothes, smelling, looking nice) to go into his home – his students would be like why are you getting ready to go into your house instead of getting ready upon leaving
   ■ lahunna….(for her what u expect of her?)

 

6. Say “I love you” often and show it through your consistent behaviour – Who do you love the most?
   ○ “don’t tell me you love me…why…because my parents”
   ○ ‘Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) would often seek reassurance from The Prophet (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) that he loved her. “How is your love for me?” she once asked. “Like the rope’s knot,” The more you pull at it and stress it, the stronger it gets. Many times after that she would ask, “How is the knot?” and he would reply:” “The same as the first day it was tied!”
   ○ Prophet (SAW) had sweat on his brow and…Aisha related it to the poetry about the blessed nature of his sweat… being like the pearls in the ocean. Prophet (SAW) came over, kissed her forehead and said “you’re more beloved to me than all of them” ♥
   ○ Ali RA came home and saw Fatimah brushing her teeth with miswak and he started spouting poetry to the toothbrush “no one got to that place before me like you, if you were a man I would have killed you, etc.”
   ○ Three qualities of being a MAN in Arabic folklore
   ■ courageous in battle
   ■ eloquent in words
   ■ passionate about family
7. Be generous with your money on her and your children
   ○ spend on your family
   ○ Prophet (ﷺ) – charity with the greatest barakah is the money spent on the family
   ■ lan tanalul birr
   ■ Abu Talha upon the revelation of the verse said “I have these two gardens”…Prophet (SAW) said no, distribute it among your fam 8. Travel together
   ○ Prophet (SAW) always took along a wife on his travels.
   ○ There were 2 instances when Aisha (RA) lost her necklace.
   ○ Tayammum was a result of Aisha (RA) losing her necklace in a place with no water, and they spent so much time looking for it that they had to stay till morning, and everyone was upset because they couldn’t do wudhu, so Allah SWT sent the ayat regarding tayammum○ Everyone has heard of the hadith regarding Aisha and Prophet SAW racing, but it wasn’t an olympic style race…Shaykh Yahya would say that “they romantically frolicked through the sand dunes of Arabia”
8. Let her feel your concern for her well-being
   ○ Safiyyah comes to masjid where Prophet (SAW) is doing i’tikaf to talk to Prophet (SAW)…and he left the i’tikaf to walk her home
9. Show chivalry (mar’oo-a)
   ○ one of the things we don’t demonstrate enough – you do the best of what is right) – sense of honour that you’re the server (open door, serve food
   ○ Prophet (SAW) the server should always be the last to eat
   ○ Safiyyah RA – wanted to get on top of a camel but she was too short…so the Prophet (SAW) got the camel to come down but she still couldn’t reach. So he gets down on a knee and she steps on top of it to get on the camel

 

11. Be flexible & Humorous
    ○ Aisha (RA) was younger – not much experience in housework, cooking.
    ○ Aisha (RA) once cooked something and presented it to Prophet (SAW)
    ○ When Prophet (SAW) didn’t like a dish, he never said no to it but suggested an alternative.
    ○ Prophet (SAW) suggested going over to Sawdah’s house
    ■ When Sawdah came out with the meal, Aisha (RA) was jealous so she smacked down the plate, it fell and broke.
    ■ Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Why don’t you try it, maybe you’ll like it?” – diffuses the situation, doesn’t call her out on her jealousy
    ○ Then when he got home, he said: “You liked her food, so why don’t you send her a plate of your food?” – This way, he subtly got Aisha to replace the dish she broke.
12. Kissable & Hygienic
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) was very affectionate
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) would kiss his wives before leading prayer – but he had the strength of a 1000 men – it was to make them feel loved, out of intimacy, not sexually
13. Nicknames
    ○ Prophet (ﷺ) had nicknames for his wives, he would call Aisha “Ya Eish” – that it is through her that he gets “Eish” (life)
14. Closer than your garment
    ○ hadith about bathing from a bowl with dough residue in it
    ○ allowance to bathe with the spouse
    ○ Ibn Hajar RH derives a lot of fiqh from it
15. Intimacy not just sexually
    ○ Aisha (RA) – Prophet (SAW) knew that I liked to touch his skin so he’d remove his shirt so my skin could be on his
16. Allah is first
    ○ “When it was time for prayer, it was like he didn’t know us”
17. Time away – 1 month can be 29 days.

Love Notes – Part 1

Love Notes –  Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim, Australia

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

• A study looked at Muslim couples who get divorced:
• Shaykh mentioned 68% of couples in the UK will divorce in the first 3 years of marriage.
  ○ Most of those who got divorced are educated
  ○ Many of them had the kind of jobs, where they intervene to defuse conflict
  ● The intent of the course is to speak about love to Muslims from a philosophical perspective
  ● We will talk about what makes you, you?
  ○ What does Islam offer, to make you the best of you
  ● Look at the words that are used to describe marriage and love in Islam
  ○ Imam Ibn Hazm coined the word soul mate – the first time westerners saw that a soul can love another soul

○ Imam Ibn Qayim RH has a book called Rawdat Al Muhibeen
○ Ibn Ul Jawzi RH – Said if a man does not know how to love, he should eat hay, because he’s a donkey
○ Muslims saw that we should cling onto one another and love one another so we can become khulafah on the earth → so that children can receive the earth in a way that is better than the way that we received it, that is the concept of khulafah
● There is no book of hadith that does not mention the love between the Prophet SAW and his wives
○ The year that Khadijah RA died, became the year of sadness
○ The Prophet SAW is a role model
● What the poster doesn’t show
○ Doesn’t show what’s behind them
● When the Prophet SAW talks about marriage, he says it’s half of your deen
○ You actualize a lot of the characteristics of Islam during your relationship with your spouse
○ The money that a man spends on his family is “sadaqah” [Muslim]

• When you say the shahadah, it has conditions,
  ○ You begin to learn the importance of Allah when you gather knowledge [ilm]
  ○ The second step is [yaqeen] certainty
  ○ That leads you to [inqiyad] submission, which leads you to practice, in the way that Allah swt requested
  ○ Number 5 is [sidq] to be more truthful with Allah swt
  ○ and that leads you to [Ikhlas], having enough, other than Allah, put all my trust to
  ○ Last level, is love [hob] → you begin loving Allah too much to miss prayer.
  ● Love is the last level of worship, and some people worship things that they should, Allah doesn’t say worship he says love “yohiboonahu ka hob illah”
• ‘Uboodiya (worship) → anything Allah loves for you to do, whether it is a word you say, an action you do, or a feeling in your heart
  ● We are not here just to talk about romance, we are here to talk about love, loving your dad, your mom, your country.

 

Definitions

● The origin for the word “husband” or “spouse” is very different in English and Qur’anic Arabic
● Husbandry: “convincing a bull to sire a cow”
● Other words for “spouse” in the Quran
زَ وج ■
● [2:35]
● two distinct, unique individuals that upon joining, become one so you don’t see the seam between them.
ِلبَاس ■
● [2:187]
● your inner intimate garment is called libas; nobody is as close to you as that garment
● “libas ul harb” the armour of war, she is the shield from the dunya
َصا ِحبَة ■
● 42 words for love in the Arabic language
● Sahib: the one that walks with you for life
■
ن
قُ رةَ أَ ْعُي
● [25:74]
● “fills the eyes of your husband”
● “there is no provision greater than that of a righteous woman. She is a women that when a husband sees her, he feels happiness in the heart” [Muslim]
ِحصن ■
● She’s your fortress, palace, castle
● You are the moat that surrounds her
بَعِلي ■
● [11:72]
● “My spring/fountain of all good”
● He is the one that showers me with good, with his words, his wealth, etc
● That is how Sarah describes Ibrahim (AS)
● He created the heavens and earth in truth. He wraps the night over the day and wraps the day over the night and has subjected the sun and the moon, each running [its course] for a specified term. Unquestionably, He is the Exalted in Might, the Perpetual Forgiver. He created you from one soul. Then He made from it its mate… [39:5-6]
○ When Allah talks about all these dualities (heavens/earth, night/day, sun/moon), He inserts one singularity: one soul.
○ when you get married, you’re two separate entities that come together from one pairing

 

Opinions on Marriage

1. Marriage will make me a better Muslim
2. Marriage will protect me from falling into fitnah and haram
3. Marriage will make me live happily ever after
4. In marriage, you cannot hate the person you love
   ○ One of the strangest things about love: the person you love the most…it’s a fine line between despicable hate and love
   ○ genuine love can transform into hate bc you’re investing so much love in that person
   ○ healthiest marriages: achieve equilibrium between love and hate knowing it’s okay to hate things the person does
5. Marriage will heal all my past wounds
6. Marriage is a piece of cake if you marry the right person
7. Marriage benefits men more than women
8. Love is enough to sustain a marriage
   ○ The economy is rough LOL – when the economy is rough, divorce sky rockets
   ○ Prophet (SAW) – One of the things we look for in marriage is “Malihah”, her wealth
9. Religious practising Muslims have a perfect marriage FALSE
10. Marriage is a natural process that you can figure out on your own FALSE
    ○ requires thought, DETERMINATION
    ○ Prophet (SAW) to Jabir (RA), a man who told him got engaged: “did you look into her eyes” – meaning did you find love in her eyes? Did you spend enough time looking into her eyes to know she’s the one? Marriage isn’t something you just come by!

So exalted is Allah when you reach the evening and when you reach the morning. And
to Him is [due all] praise throughout the heavens and the earth. And [exalted is He] at
night and when you are at noon. He brings the living out of the dead and brings the
dead out of the living and brings to life the earth after its lifelessness. And thus will you
be brought out. And of His signs is that He created you from dust; then, suddenly you
were human beings dispersing [throughout the earth]. And of His signs is that He
created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He
placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the
diversity of your languages and your colours. Indeed, in that are signs for those of
knowledge. Surah Rum [30:17-22]

– He speaks about light and day – He speaks about the lifeless earth coming back to life and thriving with vegetation – Then he talks about the soul vs dust – And in the middle of all these he talks about the relationship in partners, and it is no longer about the dualities, it is about the singularity

→ Someone from yourselves, mates He likes it to- “signs” His about talking by verse ends AND begins -إِ ن فِي َٰذَِل َك َلَيَا ت – saying, “pay attention” – Prophet (SAW) – when Adam was created, our souls were created “like ants” – there’s a moment where the soul is brought to life. you’re born into this life and your soul itself is not extinguishable – Prophet (SAW) (Hadith of Imam Bukhari) – The souls when they were created in the time of Adam, they were brought into groupings, and the souls became familiar with one another – A long essay is written about this hadith, and it says if there is a bright soul, and it enters into a room of 1000 dark souls, and one bright soul, that soul would attach itself to the other bright soul – souls gravitate to each other … or make you hate each other’s guts – The concept of soul mates for us isn’t just husband and wife – your bffs, your parents, your teachers – scent is powerful – sometimes you might smell something in the air, maybe Coco Chanel like grandma wore…sometimes it really takes you back to a certain time in your life – Your soul remembers people, just like your scent does, and it brings warmness into your heart he said he ,(soul) روح the about asked was SAW Prophet the When – couldn’t say much that is in the knowledge of Allah and we don’t know much about it – Sometimes our soul pushes back people we should be attracted to, and that is because we need to purify our soul effort requires purification – قد أفلح من زكاها – – we attempt to connect with people for marriage and on paper they seem like reasonable candidates…but at that moment when you push back someone who is good, his soul might be too clean, and your soul might be a bit tarnished – your soul might not be accessible to that righteous man/women Good the with up matched usually is Good The – الطيبون لطيبات –

When you are looking for marriage – you need to make sure your soul is accessible to pious souls – don’t always put it on the other person

 

Quranic Stories about Spouses

The Qur’an is a holistic document that outlines a lifestyle for us. There are many lessons and examples for us to draw from.
● Adam (AS)
○ He asks for a “sahibah”, someone with him
○ Jannah is not enough. You need someone who loves you
■ Even the shaheed, looks behind and Allah gives him the news of them joining you
○ Allah creates for him and blesses him with his wife Hawa’
○ Allah tells Adam (AS) to not eat from the tree as Iblees is an enemy to you and Hawa [20:117]
■ (according to hadith, the greatest thing that the little shayateen can do to make Iblis happy is to convince a man and his wife to split up)
○ Iblis wanted to uncover the blessing that Allah SWT gave Adam, and expose their bad
○ Responsibility for the sin is greater on Adam (AS) (very different from other scriptures)
■ [20:121]
○ Adam AS and Hawa RA were separated when they descended to Earth
■ Jeddah got its name from Jaddah, the Arabic word for grandmother. It is where Hawa’ is believed to have descended
■ Adam AS ‘arafa-ha, or, “recognized her” a little before Maghrib and it is the same day we commemorate on ‘Arafa during Hajj
■ That is when Adam made that dua’a “Rabbana dhalamna anfusana…”
“Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if You do not forgive us
and have mercy upon us, we will surely be among the losers.”
■ That dua’a and that moment of worship commemorates a moment of love that millions of people recreate on Yawm al ‘Arafa
■ Then they came together, and worshiped Allah SWT The first place that a person made sujood to Allah SWT was Adam, inside the fortified walls of the ka’abah.
● Ayyoub (AS)

○ Lots of time people say, we should have patience/endurance like Ayoub (AS)
○ For the first 50 years of his life, Allah gave him prosperity
■ (he had 7 daughters and 7 sons, wealth, the people who he was sent to preach to accept him)
○ After 50 years of prosperity, Allah began to test him.
■ The earthquake made his house collapse and children all died at once;
■ All his servants were killed and wealth looted;
■ people thought he was a false prophet, because “why would God do this to a righteous prophet? he must be cursed.” everyone left his side;
■ His body became decayed and sickly
○ His wife stayed. This man who had everything, lost everything, except his wife
■ The woman who was a mistress of the house became a servant
■ People did not want to be near her as to not “catch her curse”
■ She would ask Ayoub to make dua’a to Allah, and Ayoub said “I am shy to ask Allah after 50 years of prosperity, to ask Allah for relief after only 4 years of hardship”
■ His wife came back with food and when he asked where it came from she pulled back her scarf (she had cut her hair and sold it for food)
○ After seeing his wife suffer, this man (AS) of patience made dua’a “My lord harm has touched me and my family, and you are the most merciful of those who show mercy”
■ It was as if Allah was just waiting for him to ask…
■ A spring gushed forth and Ayyub (AS) drank from the spring, and became young and has been given their life again and everything returned to him
■ The thing that moved Ayoub was love, it is that he loved his wife more than his own patience
○ The right of the servant is to be put before the right you owe Allah CIRCUMSTANTIALLY
■ If your wife (or mom or dad etc) falls sick, and you were going to hajj and your ihraam is on and your foot almost out the door, you stay.

→ The right your family member has on you is greater than that obligation to Allah
■ Abdullah Ibn Mubarak RH – Went for hajj and saw a dream of those who made hajj and their hajj was accepted. He saw the face of a man and where he lived
● Abdullah immediately went to see him. Upon meeting the man, he found that he had not made hajj! The man said that he was on his when he saw an impoverished man. He realized that he that the wealth he had planned to use to go
Love Notes By Sh Yahya Ibrahim 5 to hajj would be enough to get the man in need on his own two feet. So he gave it to him and made dua’a that he would get to go for Hajj later. THAT is the man that Abdullah saw with a shining face.
● Prophet Dawood (AS)
○ King of his time, had many wives
○ Looked over his marketplace and saw a beautiful woman. He asked if this woman is spoken for? They said no, but she is promised to the general.
■ for a moment Dawud (AS)’s heart thought “if that man becomes Shaheed… Allah give him Jannah” lol
○ (In Surah Saad)
■ Allah sent two men (really angels) that jump in front of him and he reels back. One of them says “don’t be scared, we are two men that are quarrelling. He has 99 sheep and I have 1 (representing blessings), and he keeps desiring my 1 sheep to complete his 1 00.
■ Dawud says, he has wronged you to even suggest that he should give you your sheep.
■ Then it clicked in his mind that it was a test from Allah! It was a message indicating that he (AS) have been blessed with so much, and that generally is the one who has that one sheep…so Dawud (AS) fell in prostration
○ The stories of the Quran are full of love and passion
● Nuh (AS)
○ Imagine you are some sheikh, and you are on the pulpit for Juma’a and you are telling it as it is…Then your wife walks out and says “It’s all nonsense! He is making it all up!” Your son is sitting there and saying, “PSHHH, don’t listen to this guy. He knows nothing.” (People would be like, when your family believes, then come talk to me lol”)
○ Your wife and your son become adversaries and they become leaders of those who disbelieve
○ Imagine that is you, just a sheikh – Imagine being the Prophet of Allah
○ Nuh AS never gives up
○ Nuh is on a ship on land that has been experiencing a drought for years and people are looking at him like he is crazy – until Allah swt orders the sky to let down its rain, and the sky gushes until the waves become the size of mountains
■ And Nuh asks his son, belief in God so I can let you on the ship, his son says, I don’t believe in you or your god or your ship, I’ll go up to that mountain and it will protect me from the waters
■ So he says, my son, none will be protected except those that are on this ship, and then he refuses and he becomes one of those who drowned
■ Nuh says to Allah “When you promise, it is true, you said you would save me and my family, he is part of me and he drowned” so Allah said, “he is not your family, forget him”
● The illegitimate is not to be loved, Allah will always get you out of those drowning waters and until the last moments Allah will provide you what is good – but he will never make the illegitimate, legitimate
● What makes you and I who we are? Why are the stories of the messengers something that still resonates with us?
○ Part 1: Jasad – 70% of us is water, 30% is organic
■ The difference between us and pigs is less than 1% (genetically speaking)
■ In the Quran: Those who know God, but do not accept God are like Cattle
○ Part 2: Mind
■ Rational being, we think and can anticipate what is happening
■ Allah has blessed the son of Adam with the mind, drugs and intoxicants are haram because they take away the mind
■ Don’t think that animals do not have emotions and feelings too
■ Sheikh plays this video
● Sometimes we think we are the only beings that actually matter
● Ibn Qayim writes 60 pages on Allah quoting the ant
○ Ant knows delegation & authority
○ Knows what is home & what isn’t
○ It knows name “Solomon”, and his troops (knows our functions)
○ And the ant makes an excuse (if they trample you then they don’t know)
○ Ibn Qayyim lists 11 types of language that the ant uses
■ Allah inspires the bees regarding how it can live its life
■ Don’t ever think that the world around you is meaningless, simple experiments show that there is so much more in the world that Allah created
■ They are a nation, just like you are a nation
○ Part 3: Soul
■ There are 3 components, and this 3rd part is what makes us insaan
■ The majesty of the soul lives in the heart – The heart is the throne of the soul
● The chest is what protects the heart
● Haritha (one of the sahabah) is walking and the Prophet SAW says how are you and he says I woke up a mu’min, Prophet SAW said why? He said when I pray it is if I see Allah but I do not see him; when I sin, I see the fire, but it is not
Love Notes By Sh Yahya Ibrahim 7 there; When I do good, I see Jannah, but I do not see it – So Prophet SAW touches his chest and he says you are a believer
● Hope, mercy, love of God is in your chest, it is important to keep that spirit true
● When Allah talks about Imaan he says Allah opened his chest to Imaan (that is the imagery given to us by Allah SWT)
● That is why the heart is so important to talk about love because the heart is what governs the rest of us
● When your heart is closer to Allah, it is easier to come closer to people à that is the beauty of the dua’ of Musa “’ishrahly sadry”, open my heart to people
● The premise of this class is to bring our hearts closer to Allah so that we can come close to his servants
■ The 3 levels are ascending levels
■ Islam also has 3 levels, Islam, Ihsan and Iman; Each of those 3 levels matches our 3 parts
● Islam (Jasad) – You must physically say the words of the shahadah, pray, fast, do Hajj, and give zakat, Islam matches the physicalness of you jasad
● Imaan (Akl) – Matches your mind, the 6 articles of faith cannot be qualified/rationalized, but they are believed. Iman came to subdue the rationale that pulls you away from Allah
● Ihsan (Ruh) – Even though you cannot see Allah in life, your heart is always aware of Allah. Everything you witness in life connects you to Allah
○ Imam Sufyan al Thawri is walking out of the masjid, and a man begins to abuse him, his students try to stop him, he says no leave him and he says “I know the sin that I did that brought this upon me”
○ Imam Sufyan RH would give his students 3 rules when teaching them:
■ Correct what is between you and Allah, and he will help you correct what is between you and mankind
■ Fix what is between you and Allah privately, he will make your public good with others
■ Remember Allah when you don’t need him, and he will know you when you need him
○ There are angels whose job is to catch our hadith (dua’a) and throw it back at us because it is not worthy of ascending – hadith of the Prophet SAWarmour

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Anger with Spouse

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Amazing Dua of Rasulullah Sallallahu  alayhi wasallam for love and unity:

A senior Alim from the UK relates:

On a recent trip to Saharanpur, we were fortunate to meet Hadhrat Mawlana Aaqil Sahib (Damat Barakatuhum), a great Muhaddith of India, and the son in law of Sheikhul Hadeeth, Hadhrat Mawlana Muhammad Zakariyya Kandhalvi (RA).

Whilst sitting with him, he taught us this beautiful dua and mentioned to us that Allah Ta’ala has put a great effect on it.

People who are not getting along very well with friends and relatives, couples who are fighting and arguing regularly should read this dua in abundance.

He mentioned that one particular Alim had fallen into some family feuds and a result was suffering much worry and grief. After reciting this dua several times, he was relieved of this grief.

Hadhrat Mawlana also mentioned that once he was in Madinah Munawwarah and a woman met his family in the Haram Shareef at the time of Maghrib. She complained about her relationship with her husband saying that he had become very cold towards her on this journey and was not speaking to her at all. Hadhrat Mawlana’s respected family taught her this dua and encouraged her to recite it regularly.

The next morning at the time of Fajr when she met her again, this woman could not stop thanking her for saying that her husband’s entire mood has changed and he has become much warmer towards her!

By reciting this dua abundantly, In sha Allah the hearts will be united:

اَللّٰهُمَّ اَلِّفْ بَيْنَ قُلُوْبِنَا، وَأَصْلِحْ ذَاتَ بَيْنِنا، وَاهْدِنَا سُبُلَ السَّلاَمِ، وَنَجِّنَا مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّوْر

وَجَنِّبْنَا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ

وَبَارِكْ لَنَا فِىْ أَسْمَاعِنَا، وَأَبْصَارِنَا وَقُلُوْبِنَا،وَأَزْوَاجِنَا،وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا

وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَآ اِنَّكَ أَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيْم

O Allah! Put affection amongst our hearts,

Set right our matters between ourselves,

Guide us to the ways of peace,

Take us away from darkness towards Noor (light),

Save us from all kinds of indecency, the apparent as well as the hidden,

and Bless our hearing,

our seeing,

our hearts,

our spouses and

our children,

and Turn in Mercy upon us.

Indeed You are The One who greatly Accepts repentance,

One Who is repeatedly Merciful.

(Al-Hakim)

 

3…2…1…!

Someone made my day by posting this today.

New York is 3 hours ahead of California, 

but it does not make California slow. 

Someone graduated at the age of 22, 

but waited 5 years before securing a good job! 

Someone became a CEO at 25, 

and died at 50. 

While another became a CEO at 50, 

and lived to 90 years. 

Someone is still single, 

while someone else got married. 

Some get married and have five children in five years,

Another couple is trying for their first child after five years.

Obama retires at 55, 

but Trump starts at 70. 

Absolutely everyone in this world works based on their Time Zone.

People around you might seem to go ahead of you, 

some might seem to be behind you. 

But everyone is running their own RACE, in their own TIME. 

Don’t envy them or mock them. 

They are in their TIME ZONE, and you are in yours! 

Life is about waiting for the right moment to act. 

So, RELAX. 

You’re not LATE. 

You’re not EARLY. 

You are very much ON TIME, and in your TIME ZONE Destiny set up for you.  

In conclusion don’t rush to get and don’t be sad when refused.

“Be grateful when granted and patient when denied…”

Make everyday your day !!

Anonymous

The Thorns in the Path of a Blissful Marriage

By Mufti Abdur-Rahman ibn Yusuf, London

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

As humans, we have a natural desire for companionship. A desire to have a person with whom to share one’s life, someone who will bring us happiness and joy and be a source of comfort in times of difficulty is a very essential human feeling. Islam acknowledges this need and makes it permissible through nikah (marriage). This sacred act not only unites two individuals in a moral and honourable way, but also pleases Allah to such a degree that it is considered half of our din. According to hadith, a pious husband and wife who have had a successful marriage will be together in Paradise. A person will not be with their mother, father, brother, sister, daughter, son or anyone else in Paradise but with their spouse.

Isn’t it everyone’s dream to be in paradise with their beloved for eternity? How do we attain this level of bliss when we individually are only one half of the equation in marriage? If we each make the necessary effort to know and understand the ins and outs of marriage and the ways of making our Lord happy, we will be able to contribute to the success of our union, insha Allah.

Marriage can seem very daunting. Statistics show that marriage rates have declined to historic lows but, despite the record low in numbers getting married, divorce rates are at their highest. It doesn’t help that in this day and age, marriage has become something that is taken very lightly, to the extent that divorcing a spouse has become as easy as returning an unwanted item recently purchased. What people seem to have forgotten is that marriage is a very significant and sacred component of life and must be treated as such.

There are many talks and books on marriage and how to make a marriage successful. One of the most important things in this regard is that we be mindful of what can sabotage a marriage, so that we can avoid the harmful consequences. A person starting a business does not just look at how to set up the business and make a profit, they also learn about the risks involved so that they can mitigate and manage those risks. This allows the entrepreneur to avoid potential issues or at least have some awareness of what they might face.

In the same way, having a successful marriage is not easy and it takes effort from both spouses. Both should be aware that life is not always a bed of roses and there will inevitably be difficult times as well as good. It is extremely important to know and understand some fiqh related to marriage before embarking on this journey. It is more than just coming to the masjid, repeating a few words in front of the imam and paying the agreed mahr (marriage payment).

There are opportunities for us to please Allah each step of the way, from choosing a partner, to the engagement and the marriage ceremony itself. When the marrying couple strives to follow the laws of Allah throughout the process and during the marriage itself, they will gain more blessings in their union.

Finding the Right Spouse:

Once you’ve decided that you’re ready for marriage, the first step is finding the right partner, which can sometimes be a difficult experience. Some things to consider when choosing a partner are personality, character, beauty but, most importantly, how and how much they follow Islam and the Sunnah. If you truly want a happy marriage, it must be to someone who will treat you well because they know your rights and realise that they are accountable to Allah. With that in mind, it would make sense to marry a Muslim who is seeking the same qualities in their partner? It is sometimes disastrous to marry someone primarily on the basis of their wealth, beauty or occupation if they are not at your level in faith and practice and then expect them to become practicing at your level.

A current trend is that many Muslim men want to marry non-Muslim women (Christian or Jewish) under the pretext that they will bring them into Islam. The problem with this is that, more often than not, the husband does not try very hard to guide his wife to the faith and is very weak himself. His commitment to his faith is complete uninspiring. Marrying people of other faiths many times poses great heartache and difficulties, especially when children enter the equation. Agreements and promises can be made on how to raise the children during the marriage contract, but what happens if the marriage breaks down? That is why interfaith marriages have been highly discouraged.

Moving on, whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with, know that you have ended up together because Allah decreed it. When two people come together for marriage they do not know the future and whether or not they will be compatible. But remember that Allah can create love and understanding between two people who are complete opposites of one another. It is essential to make du’a’ and rely solely on Allah for His support as only He controls our hearts.

Once the introduction has been made and both parties agree to marriage, some form of engagement normally takes place after which the couple may desire to get to know each other. It is important to note that according to Islamic Law, engaged couple are still technically strangers and unlawful for one another, and thus, spending informal time together is not permissible. It is therefore strongly recommended to avoid having a long engagement and to perform even a simple low-key nikah as soon as possible once both families have committed. What I mean by this is that a private nikah be performed with two witnesses. Parents should be flexible in this regard and not stubbornly insist on long engagements without nikah. By taking these steps, the couple will not destroy the blessings and good prospects in their marriage and will avoid the evil that comes about from unlawful associations. After a nikah, they can interact and get to know each other in a lawful manner even if they are not living with each other. Later, a more elaborate nikah ceremony and reception can take place where the extended family and friends are invited.

A Double Nikah?:

Another nikah? Yes! Contrary to popular belief, nikah can be performed more than once. In fact, according to some scholars such as Imam Ibn ‘Abidin al-Shami, couples should refresh their marriage once in a while. People sometimes utter blasphemies or obscenities without realising it to be a statement of disbelief (kufr), which takes them out of their faith and causes their marriage to break. The faith is reinstated by reciting the shahada or performing the next salat, etc., but a nikah does not automatically renew, and must be performed again, otherwise, the couple will be living together in sin.

The late Mufti Nizamuddin A’zami of Deoband had for while counselled a couple with marital problems. One day, he called in two witnesses and conducted their nikah again. Their conflicts soon disappeared. They came to him and wondered what had made the difference. He explained that during his interaction with them, he had noticed that they were not very careful with their tongues and it was likely one of them had had uttered a blasphemy whilst angry, thus nullifying their marriage. Due to the absence of nikah, they had been deprived of the blessings and had been living a life of fornication. Therefore, re-establishment of their nikah restored the blessing of a lawful union and many of their problems disappeared.

Divorce Should not Be in Your Vocabulary:

Small or large conflicts arise in many marriages. The key is never to let divorce be an option or even a word in your vocabulary.

Unlike some other religions, divorce is permitted in Islam but it is described by our Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) as one of the worst of the permissible acts in faith. Islam recognises that sometimes divorce is the only way forward, so this avenue is left open, but it should be a last resort. When the threat of divorce is removed from the marital equation, there is trust between the spouses that they are both committed to making things work rather than resorting to threats of divorce as the easy option.

The concept of divorce is taken so lightly these days. Divorces are issued on the flimsiest of excuses or used as a threat to emotionally blackmail a spouse. Imagine being in a marriage where you’re in constant terror and treading on eggshells because you don’t know what you may say or do that will cause your spouse to threaten to say or ask for the “D” word?

Muslims should know how delicate this matter is and how easy it is to issue a divorce. Ignorance is rife in this regard. Even if a wife asks her husband for a divorce during an argument and he says “OK” the divorce is effective. Similarly, if the husband says “I divorce you” or “you are divorced” it is done! This is why the word divorce should be removed from your vocabulary so that it is not inadvertently issued without a great deal of thought.

Divorce is one of three things in Islam which, if said intentionally or even as a joke, is effective as a legal statement. The only exception is if someone is not of sound mind (clinically insane) and does not know and cannot remember what they say.

After a clear revocable divorce (talaq raj’i), there is a waiting period (or ‘iddah, equal to 3 menstrual cycles) in which the husband and wife may reconcile their differences and the original nikah remain valid. If the period of ‘iddah ends before the husband decides he wants to take his wife back, then the couple must perform their nikah again to remarry. However, this process where the original nikah remains valid during the iddah period can only happen twice. Upon a third divorce, if the couple want to get back together, they must first go through a process called halala.

The Halala Process:

Halala is when the wife, after her ’iddah has passed, marries another man and consummates the marriage with him. After consummation, if the second husband divorces her, she may return to and marry her first husband. If the second husband divorces her as an act of kindness to help the couple, it will be considered a virtuous act as long as he does not make his intentions apparent to the two from before the marriage. So an important factor, along with the marriage having to be consummation with the new husband, is that the halala cannot be pre-conditioned, i.e. the woman cannot marry another man on the condition that he divorces her after consummation of the marriage in order that she may return to her first husband. If it is preconditioned, it will be haram and all parties involved will be cursed according to the Prophetic hadith.

Sound complicated? That is probably intentional. It cannot be emphasised enough that a couple should think long and hard so they do not find themselves in this predicament. All too often, for whatever reason (either ignorance or anger) some men issue all three divorces at once. They think that only three work and any less is not effective. What if they want to reconcile once emotions have calmed down? Imagine having to go through the process of halala described above and putting the woman you love through it? I am addressing the men here specifically because they are the one’s guilty of issuing all divorces at once. They abuse the discretion granted to them. Even If divorce is the only way forward, then a single divorce is more than sufficient. Why give more and then regret it?

The Khula’:

Islam also provides an avenue for the woman to instigate a divorce through the process of khula’. This is when the wife returns her marriage gift (mahr) or another sum of money back to the husband in exchange for an irrevocable divorce.

According to a hadith from Bukhari, relayed by ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him), the wife of Thabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said she had no complaints about her husband’s din or character but could not reconcile between being a Muslim and being ungrateful [to him]; she was unable to appreciate this great person and this made her uncomfortable as she thought she was compromising her own faith with her lack of appreciation. In Islam, the husband and wife are expected to benefit from their relationship and not suffer due to it. Our beloved Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) recognised her dilemma and suggested that she return her mahr to her husband and that he grant her a divorce. He did not insist that they stay together.

More often than not, a khula’ cannot be mutually arranged between the spouses themselves due to the acrimony between them, and sometimes due to the obstinacy and stubbornness of the husband in his refusal to divorce his wife while at the same time not fulfilling his role as a proper husband. In this case, the wife would be advised to seek redress through a Shari’a court.

It would not have been accurate to paint a rosy picture of marriage without exposing the thorns. This is something I am consulted on month after month and many times I feel helpless in the face of the mass ignorance that is rife about the rules of marriage and divorce. Knowing the good as well as the bad of marital relationships should help us see things clearly. While many couples put their utmost efforts into attaining the rhetorical “happily ever after” end, some marriages undoubtedly endure struggle and discord. It is up to each individual to try their best to salvage their marriage and be the best spouse to their partner, remembering that we will all have to answer to Allah for our actions one day. Along with that, we should have sole reliance on Allah, as only He knows what is best.

Transcribed by Zahira Omar

Edited by Ahmed Limbada

10 Habits of Happy Couples

As Leo Tolstoy once said, “All happy families resemble one another; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” We can smile at that quote or it can inspire us to ask ourselves some wise questions: What is it that happy families are doing? And, do my spouse and I fall into the category of happy couples?

If you want to have a superior relationship with your partner and be a good role model for your children, then enhance your verbal skills today by adopting the tips below. What I have found as a couples mediator is that the same verbal skills work to improve every relationship. These 10 quick and simple tips from my book Fight Less, Love More will keep the peace in the family and make your love connection stronger. Even if you’re using the tips and your husband or wife isn’t, their effect will still be astonishing.

Pick The Right Battles

1  of  10

Before you get angry and reprimand your mate for making a mistake or doing something you told him or her not to do, stop and ask yourself this one wise question: “Does this affect me?” If it doesn’t, button your lips and avoid a fight. After all, your mate is the one who must deal with the consequence, not you.

Be A Detective

2  of  10

When your mate’s mistake does affect you, what then? Rather than being hostile, find out what really happened. Ask neutral and respectful questions such as, “Can you tell me what happened?” or “I don’t understand. Am I missing something here?” You might discover a good reason for the oversight or blunder, which could avoid a blow-up.

Complain With Impact

3  of  10

When you have a complaint, say what you do want, not what you don’t want. For example, rather than saying to your child or mate, “Get off that darn computer — you’re so rude!” instead target your mate using a positive approach: “I miss your company. Can you join me in the living room to hang out?”

Skip The ‘Whatever’ Word

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Being passive by often saying “whatever you want” might temporarily avoid a fight, but it could breed resentment because it leaves the majority of decisions to your mate, which can be stressful. Instead, have a real opinion and share it.

Create Policies

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If your mate does something that affects and disturbs you, such as overspending or making plans for both of you without asking the other first, don’t get sucked into the heated “How could you?” argument. Instead, focus on the future by creating policy solutions, as in, “From now on can we agree to make a budget for our personal expenses?” Or: “Can we agree to check in with each other before making plans for both of us?”

Show You Care

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Forgetting to ask about what’s going on in your child or your mate’s daily life is a surefire way to erode a relationship. From now on, if you know that someone in your family has an important meeting, test, doctor appointment, or event that day, don’t neglect it — instead, respect it. Call, email, text, or ask in person, “How did it go?” This sends a clear message: I care about you.

Avoid Factual Arguments

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Do you and your mate often find yourselves arguing about the name of a restaurant you went to, a certain address, someone’s birthday, an historical fact, or sports figure? Then you are prone to having a dumb argument! Stop the conversation and do an online fact check, call a friend, or simply drive by the location.

Apologize With The ‘B’ Word

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Quickly saying the words “I’m sorry” is a bad apology because it often comes off as insincere, and could trigger another battle. Next time you seek mercy, add the “B” word: Say, “I’m sorry because…” and share how you hurt your mate and what you will do to prevent the wrongdoing from recurring. Research shows that when you add the “because clause” your words are more persuasive.

Create Border Control

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Are you ever angry with your partner for revealing something to others that you consider private, like a health issue, a child discipline issue, job insecurity, or a marital disagreement? If so, bypass the “How could you say that?!” argument. Instead, establish border control: Outline the topics that should remain private to insure that neither of you becomes an accidental traitor.

Give A Daily Dose Of Recognition

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Most couples on the divorce path seldom compliment each other. In our online survey for Fight Less, Love More, we asked people, “Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?” The result was that 84 percent of people said “kind.” The lesson: Find daily opportunities to recognize your mate for something that reflects a character strength (you are such a wonderful mother/father, you are so thoughtful when you…).